BLOG #16: What's With The "Chip" On The Black Woman's Shoulder?

So, I've been brainstorming on this blog for a while now. Started it back in July, and some things moved me to go ahead and complete it. It may be a sensitive subject to some, but I'm going to give MY honest opinions on the issue.

Thank you to one of my readers, S. Cox, for the idea. She sent me a message requesting that I write on this particular subject. In the message she said, "Why do women hate one another so much and try to bring each other down? I honestly do not have a clear answer for her, but here are some of the things that I found out in the process of preparing for this blog.

I'm going to correlate the question presented to me along with some other thoughts and focus on why BLACK WOMEN (yes, I'm focusing JUST ON BLACK WOMEN) today, seem to have this "CHIP" on their shoulder.

Now, let me go ahead and get this out of the way. I AM NOT SPEAKING FOR OR TALKING ABOUT EVERY BLACK WOMAN. Just a large majority... ;) If this doesn't pertain to you, so be it, if it does, please think about your actions.

Through my experiences in life, I have always heard various observations of the Black woman. We're "strong, tough, have major attitudes... etc." But why is that? I've heard stories that go all the way back to slavery times, mentions of the Black woman having to be the mother and the father in many situations, and the list goes on and on... BUT WHAT IS IT REALLY?

The "chip" I'm speaking on is the way black women tend to be angry or upset on a regular basis. It disturbs me to think that many races and even some black men think that we have the tendencies to be "ANGRY" all of the time.

For example, from my personal experiences, it drives me insane, when I'm just being polite and speak to another Black woman in passing and she either, looks at me like I'm crazy, rolls her eyes or doesn't acknowledge me at all. My boyfriend has spoke of times when he has opened the door to a restaurant or a store for a Black woman, only to be looked at with a guarded grimace as if though he must want something from her.

Have we as Black women, become so callus that we have forgotten how to give and receive polite mannerisms?

I know that all ethnicities of women are not always close with one another, but amongst other races i get a sense of unity, support and/or togetherness. Almost like a sisterly bond... So Black women, why are you we so quick to defame one another, hurt one another, wish and hope on the WORST for each other, show signs of jealousy or hate when another Black woman is blessed with something wonderful (i.e., a relationship, a good marriage, a good education, a good career, etc.)... WHY IS THAT? CAN YOU GIVE ME A VALID ANSWER?

As I was researching and reading about this topic... I begin going to GOOGLE and typing in, "Why are (race) women so..." The results amazed me. Google works like this, when you begin typing in a word or phrase, it begins to "auto search" for you and find similar topics that other people have searched for. The information that comes up first is what has been "SEARCHED" the most... This is based off of hundreds of thousands, possibly MILLIONS of people that have searched various topics via Google. The search engine results are not FACTS, but what others have "googled" and I found it VERY interesting.

When I typed in "Why are ASIAN women so..." I got, "thin, attractive, ugly, rude, beautiful, small & pretty..." When I typed in "Why are INDIAN women so..." I got, "beautiful, ugly, thin, pretty, rude..." When I typed in "Why are LATIN women so..." I got, "beautiful..." When I typed in "Why are MEXICAN women so..." I got, "beautiful, crazy, ugly, jealous..." When I typed in "Why are WHITE women so... I got, " beautiful, stupid, racist, hot, easy, ugly, attractive, skinny..." And FINALLY when I typed in "Why are BLACK women so..." I got, angry, loud, rude, overweight, mean, hated, annoying, beautiful, difficult, obnoxious..." (bitter and crazy came up on this list as well a month ago) WOW... a far cry and difference compared to the other races... People are googling and searching and this is what comes up... these results come up because REAL PEOPLE are looking and searching these "phrases"...

I was floored when I saw how negative and horrible the results were for Black women. It kind of made me sad. It made me think... IS THIS WHAT THE WORLD THINKS ABOUT BLACK WOMEN???

Are we that disconnected from UNITY that we rather slander, defame and keep up MESS with each other, rather than help one another out? It's sad.

Like I said earlier, this is from MY observations and MY experiences and not intended to categorize ALL... but not much has change in my 28 years of life. Since elementary school, all the way through college and into my adult years... my African-American female friends/associates were the one's that were quickest to stab me in the back, talk about me, express hate or jealousy, and kick me when I was down. WHY???????

BLACK WOMEN... WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

There always expressions of HATE when someone else is doing better than you, has something you desire. And even the accomplished women, won't take the time to help another Black woman out. We're all for self and there's a unspoken satisfaction to see another down and out or at an all time low.

In my life, when I was doing wrong or things weren't going so well... I had friends for days. When I was partying, drinking, smoking, cursing people out, had a brush with the law, and doing things that all of my "peers" were doing, everyone had my back. But as soon as (just to name a few), I got new cars, got accepted into a good school, got my degree, was in a place where I could travel the world, pledged into my sorority, my family's name was a positive name in the city, or my biggest test yet, falling in love with a wonderful man... those very people SCATTERED LIKE ROACHES accept for my TRUE FRIENDS...

I can recall some of my best friends, getting married to an influential and successful partner, having wonderful & prosperous careers, getting promotions at their job, buying their first homes, getting their master's degree, preparing to have a baby, finding TRUE LOVE. Some of our mutual friends would call me and speak negatively about "what they have ain't ALL THAT," "She thinks she's better than everyone else," "She doesn't deserve that kind of luck"...etc. Is that really necessary???

As a Black woman with hopes, dreams and aspirations, I was PROUD of my friends. Even when they've accomplished things that I'm still dreaming of and hoping for... They are deserving of what God has blessed them with and I pray that God sees fit to bless me with the same IN HIS TIME.

I have had Black women that know ABSOLUTELY nothing about me, pompously, attempt to wreak havoc on my reputation, speak untruths about my life, disrespect me, and attempt to hurt me... BUT FOR WHAT?! To prove what point to WHO?

It's like, "let's see how MISERABLE I can make this person, so she can be brought DOWN TO MY LEVEL?" Why do we seek out to bring harm to one another, and entertain others with ridiculous "SOAP OPERAS?" I truly do not understand such tomfoolery.

Why are we so quick to question someone's good favor and happiness? For example, if I say "I'M IN LOVE," I'm JUST THAT. And if I feel like proclaiming it to the world, SO BE IT. All of my friends of other races have congratulated, shown love, and expressed excitement for this happy time in my life. But leave it up to SOME of the Black women around me or in ears distance... "She sounds like she's trying to convince herself, always talking about how 'in love' she is..." The doubt, the hate, the obvious jealousy, LADIES, is it REALLY that deep? Why does my personal happiness and the fact that I'm not afraid to express it bother you?

If they really knew me like my family and real friends do, they would know that Jemia deserves EVERY ounce of the good man she has in her life. I waited very patiently (6 years to be exact) and stayed in prayer about a good man filling my life with happiness. And if I damn well please to shout it from the roof tops about how happy I am and how wonderful it is to find real love, I'm going to do it. And if you care to be small minded, irritated, or annoyed when you hear it or read it, remove yourself from my life and/or access to my world (via social networks). You're wasting way too much energy worrying about what others have, instead of tending to your own. I NEVER said my life was perfect, I have many things that need to be worked on in my life, but naturally, I harp on and dote on the main things that bring my life joy! I'm seizing the moment... What are you doing? Prayer works... HATE blocks blessings...

Now, don’t get me wrong. Just like the average teenager or young adult, I have entertained gossip and mess over the years. But some of you all take it to a completely different level. When did bashing and talking badly about one another become something that was considered fun? Some of the things you say about one another is pre-meditated, malicious and down right hateful. Do you really think this is going to benefit the quality of your life in the long run?

If we as Black women, learned to put the same efforts & energy into our own personal lives and bettering ourselves, with the amount of energy used to cut down other women, gossip, keep up mess and completely disrespect someone, our world would be a much better place.

Bickering and fighting over men is the ultimate “no no” and doubting someone else’s happiness, just because you don’t believe them, only makes you look bitter and weak.

Speaking of men, the nice guys seem to be the ones trying the hardest, stressing the most and still catching hell. The “dogs” don't really care since they're in relationships for only one thing.

At some point someone needs to stop making excuses and deal with the issue. Are there any wiser older Black women out there instructing younger women how to behave when they encounter a decent man? Have we fallen so far that it's hard to recognize a good person when we encounter them?

STOP THE MADNESS.

Get the chip off of your shoulder… If someone is kind to you, is polite to you, greets you with a friendly smile, reaches out to you or shows you respect, take it for what it is. Maybe if the black woman’s guard was not up so high, she wouldn’t think that everyone is against her or that someone was trying to take what she has.

For example, I was in Sally’s Beauty Supply the other day. I was looking at some products when another black woman walked up. I gave her a friendly smile and said “hi,” she frowned at me and did not speak back. I’m thinking to myself, “What’s her problem?”… Then to add insult to injury, she proceeds to stand DIRECTLY in front of me, blocked my view and begins looking at the items I was looking at before she walked up. No “excuse me” or anything! I was dumbfounded. But when I said “excuse me ma’am, I was looking at those items…” Then she wants to get an attitude with me like I was the one that was rude. IS SHE SERIOUS?!

Scenarios like this happen more than necessary… And I know it’s NOT just happening to me.

Ladies, RELAX, life is TOO SHORT to be so spiteful and careless.

While I do know that other races and men have various issues that they need to handle, I chose to focus on the BLACK WOMAN and base this blog off of my own personal experiences and others experiences as well.

When did it become, cute, OK and acceptable to be so rude and hateful to each other? Black women, we will make it much further in life if we learn to BUILD EACH OTHER UP, as oppose to tearing each other down. Learn to support and love. Gain an understanding of each other. But I feel like it's going to take a miracle before that happens.

STOP HOLDING GRUDGES, LEARN TO FORGIVE. We're only hurting ourselves in the long run by spending wasted energy, or trying to be nosy, and see what the next Black woman is doing, just so you can find something NEGATIVE to say about HER life. Do you see how backwards that sounds???

Help another Black woman out, in some way, even if it's small and see how good it feels. Speak kindly to a stranger on the street, open the door for someone instead of letting it close behind you in their face, call an old friend and tell her that you miss her and that you've been praying that her life is well. SMILE MORE, we are the most frowned up and mean looking group of people. Learn to relax and enjoy the GOOD things in life instead of focusing so much on the BAD. This list could go ON & ON...

But, I could never get personal satisfaction off of completely humiliating or belittling someone that looks like me. But some of you do... does talking about others make you feel better or in your mind places you up "higher" than others? If it does, your self-esteem is sadly, very low.

Do you realize how SILLY we look to some Black men and other races (men & women)?

Think about it.

Learn to just be happy for others and see how great things improve in your life. When you say or do something nice, leave it at that. Don’t ruin the moment by being hateful, vengeful or mean.

Sometimes I think to myself, we must not like what we see in the mirror, because when we see someone who looks like us, our aim is to hurt, harm and cut down.

And I’m definitely not hearing the excuse, “Black women are stereotyped but a lot of us do fall into that category by nature. We are fighters and survivors and sometimes we see battles were there are none.” Tell that to someone who wants to hear it…

Yes, many Black women have "fighter" attitudes but the art of it is to know when to whip it out if necessary. Just because you meet another Black woman with an attitude DOES NOT mean you have to reciprocate. (I usually don't... it's a waste of my time and unnecessary stress.)

But being a Black woman myself, I am torn when it comes to a CLEAR answer as to where this “CHIP” on the shoulder comes from. I can't help but shake my head and feel sorry for the majority that feeds into this stereotype. There are so many of us who are forward thinking, progressive Black women, then there are the ones who just don't have a clue as to how they contribute to the down fall of us as a gender, race & people. Perpetuating any type of negativity toward someone who is like you without cause is a form of self-hatred. PERIOD.

If you do not like what I've said, you're entitled to your opinion. I honestly feel that I have hit on a topic that many are afraid to address and discuss in a positive or helpful light... I'm not taking any of my words back and have meant exactly what I've said...

So what’s the reason(s)? Black women what do YOU think? Black men, and men and women of other races, what do YOU think?

I AM SO PROUD OF MY BEAUTIFUL, BROWN SKIN AND EMBRACING MY FEMININE ESSENCE... But WHY is there a DISCONNECT with some of my "SISTERS?" What are we teaching our children? Is this cycle going to continue into THEIR FUTURE?

~JUST JEMIA :o)

Dedicating this blog to the most supportive, encouraging, motivating, and loving beautiful, Black women in my life. I don't have to be perfect, because they celebrate my victories AT ALL TIMES and embrace me EVEN MORE when I’m down and need their shoulders… just as I do for them. That’s how it should be. To the BEST FRIENDS a woman could ask for, Tiffany Hawthorne, Vanessa Howard, Jasmine Jackson & Tami Sawyer. FOUR, WONDERFUL BLACK WOMEN, I LOVE DEARLY.

Blog #15: OMG! Please MOVE ON! They have, you should too!

OK... so this is kind of a "spin off" from BLOG #13: "Is It Time To LET GO...?"

This blog is for the people that have NOT just RECENTLY gotten out of a relationship/friendship, but for the people that are STILL DWELLING ON A PAST RELATIONSHIP or FRIENDSHIP that has BEEN OVER! For months, and in some cases YEARS! It is truly time to MOVE ON!

It might take a while to get over a situation but sooner or later , you have to move on with your life. Especially when the other party involved has made it very clear that they have moved on.

Why place yourself in a predicament where you seem delusional or a bit obsessed for STILL harping on a situation you should have moved on from a long time ago.

Continuing to dwell on what could have happened, should have happened or what would have happened had you done something different is only torturous to yourself in the end. Stop trying to discern if what you had was real, if the person lied to you or not, etc. THINGS HAPPENED EXACTLY THE WAY THEY WERE DESTINED TO. But it's up to you to finally accept that fact.

It's important to learn from the past but it's equally as important to not stay stuck in it.

After a break-up, you should realized that the relationship you had, has taught you that it wasn't a “failure.” The ended relationship should help you to define the type of partner you would really resonate with in the long run... What we've learned is that if a relationship didn't work out, it is not a bad thing or a failure, like our society likes to label it. It just may be that you have learned what it is that you were supposed to learn by being in a relationship with that other person and it's time to move on to other “lessons.”

What I'm saying is, is that the purpose of all relationships is to help us to grow. Even the relationships that are the most troubling to us can be gifts in learning more about ourselves. Those people who really get under our skin can be our best teachers. I suggest that you look at all of your relationships as growth experiences and move forward consciously by learning from them.

Stop making yourself look bitter and irrational by publicly defaming the person that you once shared a connection with. It makes you look silly and extremely immature. Being vengeful or vindictive will only make you look bad and backfire on you.

Learn to take 100% of the responsibility for the relationship that YOU CHOSE to be in.

When a relationship experiences challenges, very often we want to assign fault and blame. When you are in a healthy relationship with another person, both people are equally responsible for the relationship. If a relationship isn't working, the same thing applies. No matter who appears to be at fault when challenges come up, both people are responsible. If you take less than 100% responsibility for the relationship not working out, you are being a victim. You can only heal when you have let go of “fault” and “blame” and focus on letting go of the past and how you can do it differently in the future. This can be a very difficult process if you are hanging on to the need to be right, anger, judgments and unexpressed resentments -- especially if you feel your former partner hasn't or won't take any responsibility for the health of the past relationship.

But while you're busy dwelling on what happened, the other half of the past relationship has accepted you all's relationship for what it was and MOVED ON. While you're still crying, spiteful, angry and consumed with what went wrong, they're more than likely, out enjoying life and sharing new experiences with someone else.

Stop wasting you time thinking about someone who's no longer thinking of you anymore. You're only hurting yourself by lingering over something you cannot control in the end. And you'll never be able to have a new and successful relationship until you're able to LET GO of your past.

From my past break-ups, I have learned to give thanks for the lessons that I have learned, and I also had to learn how to change my attitude. As painful as it is to hear, the truth is that everything in your life (including your past relationships) is a result of the choices you have made up until now. If you don't like the circumstances in your life or relationships, decide to make other choices.

This could mean changing your attitude. It could mean opening up to bring new people into your life. It could mean deciding to be a better person in your next relationship.

If you are having challenges moving on from your previous relationship, I truly suggest you start by honoring that person as a teacher, that helped you to MOVE ON with your journey. Although my ex Michael (RIP) and I had a good relationship when we were together, I had to learn that things are they way they are with reason. We managed to be life long friends because I was able to understand and embrace the lessons I learned from him and ACCEPT it for what it was. THANK YOU MICHAEL, FOR ALL THAT YOU TAUGHT ME!!! When you find yourself feeling like the victim or blaming the other person, change those thoughts to being thankful for them helping you learn what you learned during the relationship. Sooner or later you will actually be able to give thanks for the lessons that that person taught you.

Just remember... While you're sitting at home, dwelling on the past, giving yourself a "pity party," thinking to yourself that life isn't fair and sitting at home, drinking alone... you're only wasting YOUR time. More than likely, the other party has moved on, accepted things for what they are, is living life to the fullest and toasting to the good things in life! *cheers!*

Shouldn't you be doing the same?

One of my favor sayings is, "it is what it is..."

OMG! PLEASE MOVE ON! ;)

~JUST JEMIA :o)

Shout out to my newest ANGEL in heaven, Michael T. Debose... You will definitely be missed! Our relationship taught me so much about life and the things that make me happy. I will always love you for that! I am thankful to GOD that we were able to get over our past issues and remain friends until your dying day. Without our relationship and the acceptance of MOVING ON, I would have never been able to be the woman that I am today for the man that I LOVE SO DEARLY! (Adrian) Thank you MICHAEL! R.I.P. December 26, 1979 - June 12, 2010

Blog #14: Is Being Materialistic HELPING you or HARMING you???

The definition of someone labeled as materialistic is, "a person who is marked more concerned with material things than with spiritual, intellectual or cultural values..."

First let me start off by saying, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with looking your best and wanting nice things...

But we all know someone that takes it to the next level. That friend that prides herself (or himself) on the shoes she wears, the purses she carries and the fact that she rarely ever wears things twice... They are CONSTANTLY shopping and buying stuff when their closet is already about to explode with things that she's already forgotten about. Sometimes this person prides herself on claiming that she "looks better than everyone else," some claim to be a "fashionista" or someone who lives and breathes fashion and some are just trying to keep up with someone else that has the same issues they do...

If any of the above describes you, you might be the exact kind of person I'm referring to... I personally know a few people like this and it makes me question their need to "OVER SHOP" or the fact that they're a "SHOPPING ADDICT."

I'm not talking about the person that occasionally shops, like 2-3 times a month or less... I'm talking about the person that's constantly shopping... everywhere they go, shopping, shopping, shopping and when they're at home, they head straight to the laptop for some online, retail therapy.

Even if you have the finances to do so and you're not running up a credit card bill like most out there... there is still something these people are compensating for at the end of the day.

As a society we use material possessions to value ourselves. Thus it breeds discontent and unhappiness because we are constantly wanting the newest fashions, etc. What causes you to want material possessions?

Dr. Tim Kasser, a psychology professor, has researched materialism and wrote a book called "The

High Price of Materialism." "Kasser argues that a materialistic orientation toward the world contributes to low self-esteem, depression, anti-social behavior, divorce, various forms of abuse and even a greater tendency to get "headaches, backaches, sore muscles, and sore throats." This very short book demonstrates the truth of the proverb, 'Money does not buy happiness.' Author, Tim Kasser cites numerous studies as he makes a compelling case that materialists are lonely, narcissistic, hampered in relationships, compulsive, insecure and disconsolate.

What do you think about Dr. Kasser's take on materialism?

Can being materialistic hurt your dating life? I randomly asked about 9 of my friends this question and many of them came to the same conclusion. YES. Materialism CAN hurt your dating life or a current relationship. The men said that they like a woman that's into keeping herself up, but some women over do it. Some women are so focused on the latest fashions, the newest shoes and keeping up with her girlfriends, that these items end up being more important than the relationship itself. Watch out ladies... some of you may not even realize it, but your shopping habit could be the reason you're single or your relationships don't last long. So many men see being materialistic, SCREAMS that you're high maintenance. And to most men, that's a turn off. They can visualize they're wallets emptying faster than the relationship can even grow... and they're GONE. They rather be with the girl that's attractive, but cares more about spending time to get to know each other, than shopping all day... Shopping addicts, I hope those new pair of shoes, and that "fly" new top, can hug and love you back because it seems like your closet is hotter and getting more action than your bedroom... Not a good look!

Some of the ladies I talked to about men who were materialistic seemed just as turned off. They said that it's nothing wrong with a man having and wanting nice things. But some men take it too far with bragging about their new tailored suit or where they purchase their "top of the line" clothing from. Men, be mindful about these things. If you like nice things and love to turn the ladies heads, "silence is GOLDEN!" Blow the ladies minds without telling them how much your new Rolex cost you. Price dropping is TACKY!

Are you a victim of "Keeping up with the Joneses'?" Are you the person that is constantly trying to see what your friends or your arch enemy is wearing so that you can find something better? Only thing I have to say about this is, if you're doing this, you need to stop and check your self-esteem. I have friends with million dollar homes and friends that are a step away from living in poverty... I love them for WHO they are and not WHAT they have... I would never subject myself to people that I felt like I had to keep up with materialistically. If someone is ridiculing you for not having the latest and greatest... they're not your friend. Real friends won't care about what you have or lack in your life. So your attempt to "keep up with the Joneses'..." only makes you look silly at the end of the day. And you can only kick YOURSELF in the butt when the credit card bill comes rolling in...

Are you raising your child/children to be materialistic? Many parents are bringing up their children in a very materialistic way. Money isn't everything. Similarly, there are some things money can't buy. Why are we adapting to a 'money-minded' mentality? Parents should learn to teach their children not to be materialistic and always expect the best of everything. Children of the 21st century are, unfortunately, sometimes succumbing to peer pressure and getting rid of their good values and habits, which leads parents to a whole lot of worry and confusion. Children, particularly teenagers, should learn to exercise caution and practicality in buying things, whether it be from a high-end boutique or a simple shoe outlet. If you commence raising your child with the views that only certain brand names are acceptable and that some brands are "cheap" or socially unacceptable, you can only be mad at yourself when you're breaking down and buying ridiculously expensive items to keep your child happy.

Materialism can be viewed in many different lights, but is it HELPING or HARMING your current lifestyle?

My significant other and I frequently discuss people's needs for material items. We find that it's OK to treat yourself and to have nice things, but when you're being EXTREMELY EXCESSIVE with your purchases, there's a disconnect there. We pride ourselves on looking good, but also realizing that valuing things that you can't buy with money, such as love, trust and communication is far more important. It's always good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's even better to make sure that you take care of, and don't lose the things that money CAN'T buy...

Just something to think about...

~JUST JEMIA :o)

“If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can't buy” ~unknown

Blog #13: When Is It Time To LET GO...?

Lately I've noticed that many people (friends & family) are in the early, mid or later phase of preparing to "LET GO." Is letting go of someone that you've dated, fallen in love with or spent a lot of time with easier said than done? How do you know when it's time to let go and look for love somewhere else?

Regardless of the situation, learning to let go of what's over is often a very difficult thing to do and the hurt can often last for years if a person simply won't break the hold. When love is found, one naturally wants to believe it will last forever. And it's great when it does. But when it doesn't, the hurt and pain can be devastating. But even more devastating can be the pain and suffering the person experiences from not letting go of what's gone and moving on with living. Turning off feelings for someone isn't like turning off a light switch. When a relationship ends, it doesn't mean the feelings disappear or go away. Being left alone with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, anger, grief, rejection, and despair can prove to be overwhelming.

In my past experiences from dating, I always looked at each "date" and prospective partner as an "outfit"... You have to be confident in your morals, values and decision making while dating. Every guy I met was new and unfamiliar and it was up to me to see if he was the "perfect fit." Dating is like trying on clothing. You have to "try it on" (i.e. spend time with, get to know and decide if it's a good "fit" or not) to see if it actually is a compatible situation. So many people out there force themselves to "fit" with someone, and that's when the problems start. For example you might wear a "size 10," but the guy you like is a "size 4" don't try to FORCE or MANIPULATE the situation and "SQUEEZE" into something that DOES NOT "FIT," and is going to fail down the road ANYWAY.

There are so many different scenarios where LETTING GO is required:

1. If you're "the other woman" who's waiting for a man to leave his lover, don't waste your time. "If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you." The man you want lacks integrity and can't make a commitment.

2. Are your standards too low? Are you waiting around for a man/woman that's let you down time and again: "What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you're willing to settle for that?" Recognize that you're settling and that you deserve more. Set a higher standard for yourself.

3. Does he/she really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which this person is really meeting your needs. Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he/she was. There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go 'Oh yeah! Now I remember why I left you!'" Don't kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past. Never get caught up in feeling sorry for someone that HURT YOU.

4. Don't wait around because you think he's going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that he's going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim.

5. Don't put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future. As long you are obsessed with this someone, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one. Set some goals and start putting your life back together.

6. Are you hiding in the relationship so you don't have to face the reality of being on your own? Don't stay with someone because it's comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it's not healthy for you and it certainly won't help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?

7. Be very clear with the person you're LETTING GO. Get out of my life. Stay away from me. Don't call me. If you live together, it's time to move out, or you may need to change your phone number. Do what you have to do to MOVE FORWARD.

8. Don't hold all new "prospects" responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he/she pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you?

9. Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. "How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections." Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you're nervous to get out there again, it's because you're afraid of what you can or can't do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it's not about the other person.

10. Don't invest more than you can afford to lose. While it's important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Don't put so much out there that you'll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south. BE PATIENT. TAKE YOUR TIME.

11. Don't beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you've learned from it, and now it's time to move forward. You'll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past... Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way. ACCEPT THAT AND LIVE LIFE!

You have to be true to yourself about what you can and cannot deal with when it comes down to a partner. Some believe that this "perfect" person that they daydream about truly exists. The male or female with the perfect career, education, family background & physical attributes. And maybe there is a list of things that is viewed as a "turn off" like, someone who didn't finish school, has kids (with enough drama involved to make anyone crazy), they smoke, they don't have an idealistic job of your choice, or don't make the kind of money your preferred. STOP analyzing other people's situations and FOCUS ON YOURSELF. All of us come into relationships with baggage, but you need to have closure on past experiences before you can start a new relationship with the odds in your favor. Regardless of the kind of person you see or don't see yourself involved with, the truth is, it's COMPLETELY our of your hands. Until you get closure, you will never come into a relationship with a fresh and clean heart, mind, expectancy and attitude. You're probably not ready to get into another relationship until you heal the wounds of your past.

Know that you will get hurt if you're in a relationship. There is no perfect person without flaws. Even a well-intended guy is going to hurt his partner. He's going to hurt your feelings. He's going to say things that you don't want him to say. He's going to do things you wish he wouldn't do and not do things you wish he would do. A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing spirits who say, ''I'd rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone." If you want to be in a relationship, know that getting hurt comes with the territory. You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle it.

In a nutshell, I'll put it like this. When you're dating, focus on time and learned lessons from past experiences. If you "try him on" and HE DOESN'T FIT... MOVE ON. Don't waste his time or yours. Learn from all of your mistakes and the people that you allowed to break your spirit or hurt your heart. Free yourself from all insecurities so that you can move forward and have a successful relationship when the "RIGHT" person FINALLY comes along.

Don't be the broken, bruised and scorned individual that has all of the potential in the world to find happiness. But runs potential partners off with nothing but negativity from your past.

The quicker you learn to LET GO, when you know in your heart, it just isn't right... You will save yourself A LOT of heartache and frustration.

Prince or Princess "charming" is out there searching for you. But you have to get your mind, body, heart and spirit in the right place to receive the love. And also face the reality that "THE ONE" for you may not be anything like you'd ever imagined. He or she might not come with the body like a "God" or the "cash-flow" you dreamt of... but that's OK. Don't be shallow. Open your mind to new things and live for love!

God knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Just be still and TRUST.

But first you have to...

LET GO.

LET GO.

LET GO.

~JUST JEMIA :o)

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." Isaiah 43:18 (One of my favorite BIBLE verses)

BLOG #12: When Did Lent (Fasting) Become "TRENDY???"

So it's Day 2 of Lent and I've been noticing people on social networks proclaiming what they are giving up for lent this year... I'm not really sure how I feel about it, so I posted this status (Thanks Tami) to get other people's responses.

"LENT shouldn't be TRENDY. I mean seriously. It defeats the purpose... Is anything PERSONAL or SACRED anymore??? ijs. :-/"

Some of the comments to my status were:

"I approve of this status!" -I.J.

"Lent is something between you and your GOD!!! You don't have to broadcast it.. I mean it's ok with a certain friend or somethng and ya'll decide to do it together... but know you're reasoning for doing it... Know what Lent means... don't just make it a TREND like you said!!!! Everybody is broadcasting it all on facebook.. That just lets me know that they DON'T KNOW the significance behind it!!!!" -P.M.

"Do you think that some of that announce that they are observing Lent are trying to explain the significance of it?" -L.W.

"I have been doing this since a child! But do not throw stones at the one that shares with the world. Whatever I do I scream from the mountain tops. No shame in my game! If people appreciate a little support from their fellow man or woman, well I see no wrong in that!" -G.B.

My response to my friends were:

"Man! I think I might give up sex or alcohol! what do you think you're gonna do??" Or "Hey! what are you giving up for lent this time?! Girl, I don't know! I think I'm going to do something small this year like fried foods... I don't eat much fried food anyway... you should give up men. LOL!" OR "I'm giving up the female body for lent..."

@ L.W.... I don't think those are explaining the significance of anything...

@ G.B. feel free to do as you please... I'm not judging... but the statements above are clearly for "attention" or not taking the purpose of lent (fasting) seriously...

I've witnessed people on Facebook and other social networks, talking about it like a "trendy" matter... like "are you going to the party?! Girl what you are you wearing???"

Teaching, educating and sharing information with fellow Christians in one thing... but blasting it to the world on the world wide web (www) like it's "so cool" and "look at me..." I cannot gain an understanding of it's purpose.... OR RESPECT IT.

I just believe in the words of the bible... and the scripture below is proof...

16"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 17But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Matthew 6:16-18

Lent (fasting) is a season of soul-searching and repentance between man and GOD. It is a season for reflection and taking stock. Lent originated in the very earliest days of the Church as a preparatory time for Easter, when the faithful rededicated themselves and when converts were instructed in the faith and prepared for baptism. By observing the forty days of Lent, the individual Christian imitates Jesus’ withdrawal into the wilderness for forty days.

Should your personal experience for Lent be publicized all over the internet? Or should it be view as a sacred & personal "sacrifice" between you and GOD?

What is YOUR view on this topic?

~JUST JEMIA :o)

BLOG #11: MIND OVER MATTER: FOR LOVE OR MONEY?

It's 2:11am and I can't really sleep. So I figured I'd BLOG on a topic that's been on my mind for quite some time now.

FOR LOVE OR MONEY???

It's 2010 and we live in a world where both men and WOMEN live a life of instantaneity, dream of being abundantly wealthy, aim high to become successful and want the "perfect" mate to go along with it all.

Now we all know, EVERYONE can't be WEALTHY, some will fail at goals in life, and others will struggle their ENTIRE life, trying to find that SPECIAL SOMEONE.

But why is the struggle so hard? Today you see so many people that seek out the WRONG things in a partner. While men do have a say in who they choose to be with, it's the WOMAN that has to agree and permit a man to pursue a relationship with her...

MONEY vs. LOVE

I personally know of SO MANY young ladies out there that are looking for a man with money to fall in love with. To take care of her, pay her bills, take her on vacations, get her the things she needs and wants, etc. The man with money is a STABLE PROVIDER. Is he really?

In my opinion, relationships with ulterior motives, such as money, usually don't work out... and if they do last, you can rest assure that someone in the relationship is miserable with themselves, their partner and is only in the relationship for the STABILITY. What happened to happiness?! Are you that hung up on material things, you would CHOOSE to put yourself in a scenario where your happiness was irrelevant, but the latest handbag, designer label or car is RELEVANT?! If you answered yes to that... I suggest you get down on your knees right now and PRAY.

Some of you out there really believe that MONEY can buy you LOVE & HAPPINESS. Just know that that kind of love & happiness is TEMPORARY and ARTIFICIAL. It will be short-lived.

I grew up believing that "MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU LOVE" & "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." (1 Timothy 6:10)

I personally have chosen LOVE over money in my relationship... What's the point of a WEALTHY, but loveless relationship/marriage? My boyfriend and I may not be the "RICHEST" people on this earth, but we are "RICH" in LOVE, LAUGHTER & COMPANIONSHIP. With our love, support and understanding, we are in tact with one another's goals and ambitions for our life as individuals and as a couple. I personally would prefer a relationship that's built on nothing BUT love, when love was all we had... But with real love, a plethora of positive scenarios can evolve from the "roots" of a strong love.

We might not be financially where we want and/or plan to be at this very moment, but with the connection that we share, I have NO DOUBTS, that one day, we will look back at our journey together and appreciate the "wealth" (i.e., a beautiful home, a wonderful family together, financial stability and success within our careers) that we will share. Love built on those principles can only bring you HAPPINESS and STRENGTH through the hard times.

Would you date/marry for money?

I've heard women make statements like,"If I marry for money, I'll get everything I've ever wanted and then I'll be happy!" "If I ever get divorced, the next man I marry, will be for money!" "All I need is money to make me happy!" ARE THEY SERIOUS?!! Last time I checked, a hundred dollar bill didn't have arms to hug you, lips to kiss you when you need loving, etc... Where have we gone WRONG as a society to think that a multitude of MONEY will just MAGICALLY solve all of our problems.

I do believe that you can have the best of both worlds in LOVE & MONEY... but a VERY small percent of women have been able to find a wealthy man to truly love them for who they are. Most rich men that I've come across or know other people that are married to them have all kinds of issues, just like the next relationship, wealthy or not. It's rare to find one that truly values the vows shared between them, one that is being faithful in the relationship/marriage, or isn't "married" to HIS MONEY and that isn't "power-tripping" due to his wealth... I've seen it all...

Some women want MATERIAL things for the sake of saying they have it and will sacrifice their days and life with a man they can't connect with, communicate with or understand. All for the sake of HAVING STUFF... It's such a SAD SIGHT... Some of these women can't figure out why the "not so popular" girl at their job, who wears the same shabby clothes every week, seems so happy and in love with her significant other. She's obviously learned the simpler things in life are much more important. While you're successful, educated, accomplished, have every material possession any woman could want... but you find it hard to genuinely SMILE everyday??? Hmph...

Hypothetically, I'd rather be with my man, splitting a #1 from McDonald's for dinner because that's all we have enough money for at that time... BUT I KNOW that he LOVES me, VALUES and CHERISHES the woman that he's with, with every ounce of his being. With SOLID LOVE like this, there is NO LIMIT to the HAPPINESS AND WEALTH that you all can pursue together.

My suggestion is, don't waste your time with unrealistic goals, such as finding a RICH MAN. Instead, set your heart on finding a man that will love you, respect you, listen to you, be there for you, make a great effort to understand you and someone who's your best friend and lover, wrapped all up in one GOOD MAN... he's out there... You have to BELIEVE to RECEIVE! BE PATIENT!

What's your take on this topic? Is MONEY really more valuable than LOVE? Or is TRUE LOVE worth having versus the MATERIAL things in life?

In my opinion, I couldn't sum it up better than this...

"The good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge." (It has NOTHING to do with money)...

~JUST JEMIA :o)

To the man that has made me "RICH" in LOVE. There's no obstacle that we can't overcome together... I love you ACS :)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)