So, I've been brainstorming on this blog for a while now. Started it back in July, and some things moved me to go ahead and complete it. It may be a sensitive subject to some, but I'm going to give MY honest opinions on the issue.
Thank you to one of my readers, S. Cox, for the idea. She sent me a message requesting that I write on this particular subject. In the message she said, "Why do women hate one another so much and try to bring each other down? I honestly do not have a clear answer for her, but here are some of the things that I found out in the process of preparing for this blog.
I'm going to correlate the question presented to me along with some other thoughts and focus on why BLACK WOMEN (yes, I'm focusing JUST ON BLACK WOMEN) today, seem to have this "CHIP" on their shoulder.
Now, let me go ahead and get this out of the way. I AM NOT SPEAKING FOR OR TALKING ABOUT EVERY BLACK WOMAN. Just a large majority... ;) If this doesn't pertain to you, so be it, if it does, please think about your actions.
Through my experiences in life, I have always heard various observations of the Black woman. We're "strong, tough, have major attitudes... etc." But why is that? I've heard stories that go all the way back to slavery times, mentions of the Black woman having to be the mother and the father in many situations, and the list goes on and on... BUT WHAT IS IT REALLY?
The "chip" I'm speaking on is the way black women tend to be angry or upset on a regular basis. It disturbs me to think that many races and even some black men think that we have the tendencies to be "ANGRY" all of the time.
For example, from my personal experiences, it drives me insane, when I'm just being polite and speak to another Black woman in passing and she either, looks at me like I'm crazy, rolls her eyes or doesn't acknowledge me at all. My boyfriend has spoke of times when he has opened the door to a restaurant or a store for a Black woman, only to be looked at with a guarded grimace as if though he must want something from her.
Have we as Black women, become so callus that we have forgotten how to give and receive polite mannerisms?
I know that all ethnicities of women are not always close with one another, but amongst other races i get a sense of unity, support and/or togetherness. Almost like a sisterly bond... So Black women, why are you we so quick to defame one another, hurt one another, wish and hope on the WORST for each other, show signs of jealousy or hate when another Black woman is blessed with something wonderful (i.e., a relationship, a good marriage, a good education, a good career, etc.)... WHY IS THAT? CAN YOU GIVE ME A VALID ANSWER?
As I was researching and reading about this topic... I begin going to GOOGLE and typing in, "Why are (race) women so..." The results amazed me. Google works like this, when you begin typing in a word or phrase, it begins to "auto search" for you and find similar topics that other people have searched for. The information that comes up first is what has been "SEARCHED" the most... This is based off of hundreds of thousands, possibly MILLIONS of people that have searched various topics via Google. The search engine results are not FACTS, but what others have "googled" and I found it VERY interesting.
When I typed in "Why are ASIAN women so..." I got, "thin, attractive, ugly, rude, beautiful, small & pretty..." When I typed in "Why are INDIAN women so..." I got, "beautiful, ugly, thin, pretty, rude..." When I typed in "Why are LATIN women so..." I got, "beautiful..." When I typed in "Why are MEXICAN women so..." I got, "beautiful, crazy, ugly, jealous..." When I typed in "Why are WHITE women so... I got, " beautiful, stupid, racist, hot, easy, ugly, attractive, skinny..." And FINALLY when I typed in "Why are BLACK women so..." I got, angry, loud, rude, overweight, mean, hated, annoying, beautiful, difficult, obnoxious..." (bitter and crazy came up on this list as well a month ago) WOW... a far cry and difference compared to the other races... People are googling and searching and this is what comes up... these results come up because REAL PEOPLE are looking and searching these "phrases"...
I was floored when I saw how negative and horrible the results were for Black women. It kind of made me sad. It made me think... IS THIS WHAT THE WORLD THINKS ABOUT BLACK WOMEN???
Are we that disconnected from UNITY that we rather slander, defame and keep up MESS with each other, rather than help one another out? It's sad.
Like I said earlier, this is from MY observations and MY experiences and not intended to categorize ALL... but not much has change in my 28 years of life. Since elementary school, all the way through college and into my adult years... my African-American female friends/associates were the one's that were quickest to stab me in the back, talk about me, express hate or jealousy, and kick me when I was down. WHY???????
BLACK WOMEN... WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
There always expressions of HATE when someone else is doing better than you, has something you desire. And even the accomplished women, won't take the time to help another Black woman out. We're all for self and there's a unspoken satisfaction to see another down and out or at an all time low.
In my life, when I was doing wrong or things weren't going so well... I had friends for days. When I was partying, drinking, smoking, cursing people out, had a brush with the law, and doing things that all of my "peers" were doing, everyone had my back. But as soon as (just to name a few), I got new cars, got accepted into a good school, got my degree, was in a place where I could travel the world, pledged into my sorority, my family's name was a positive name in the city, or my biggest test yet, falling in love with a wonderful man... those very people SCATTERED LIKE ROACHES accept for my TRUE FRIENDS...
I can recall some of my best friends, getting married to an influential and successful partner, having wonderful & prosperous careers, getting promotions at their job, buying their first homes, getting their master's degree, preparing to have a baby, finding TRUE LOVE. Some of our mutual friends would call me and speak negatively about "what they have ain't ALL THAT," "She thinks she's better than everyone else," "She doesn't deserve that kind of luck"...etc. Is that really necessary???
As a Black woman with hopes, dreams and aspirations, I was PROUD of my friends. Even when they've accomplished things that I'm still dreaming of and hoping for... They are deserving of what God has blessed them with and I pray that God sees fit to bless me with the same IN HIS TIME.
I have had Black women that know ABSOLUTELY nothing about me, pompously, attempt to wreak havoc on my reputation, speak untruths about my life, disrespect me, and attempt to hurt me... BUT FOR WHAT?! To prove what point to WHO?
It's like, "let's see how MISERABLE I can make this person, so she can be brought DOWN TO MY LEVEL?" Why do we seek out to bring harm to one another, and entertain others with ridiculous "SOAP OPERAS?" I truly do not understand such tomfoolery.
Why are we so quick to question someone's good favor and happiness? For example, if I say "I'M IN LOVE," I'm JUST THAT. And if I feel like proclaiming it to the world, SO BE IT. All of my friends of other races have congratulated, shown love, and expressed excitement for this happy time in my life. But leave it up to SOME of the Black women around me or in ears distance... "She sounds like she's trying to convince herself, always talking about how 'in love' she is..." The doubt, the hate, the obvious jealousy, LADIES, is it REALLY that deep? Why does my personal happiness and the fact that I'm not afraid to express it bother you?
If they really knew me like my family and real friends do, they would know that Jemia deserves EVERY ounce of the good man she has in her life. I waited very patiently (6 years to be exact) and stayed in prayer about a good man filling my life with happiness. And if I damn well please to shout it from the roof tops about how happy I am and how wonderful it is to find real love, I'm going to do it. And if you care to be small minded, irritated, or annoyed when you hear it or read it, remove yourself from my life and/or access to my world (via social networks). You're wasting way too much energy worrying about what others have, instead of tending to your own. I NEVER said my life was perfect, I have many things that need to be worked on in my life, but naturally, I harp on and dote on the main things that bring my life joy! I'm seizing the moment... What are you doing? Prayer works... HATE blocks blessings...
Now, don’t get me wrong. Just like the average teenager or young adult, I have entertained gossip and mess over the years. But some of you all take it to a completely different level. When did bashing and talking badly about one another become something that was considered fun? Some of the things you say about one another is pre-meditated, malicious and down right hateful. Do you really think this is going to benefit the quality of your life in the long run?
If we as Black women, learned to put the same efforts & energy into our own personal lives and bettering ourselves, with the amount of energy used to cut down other women, gossip, keep up mess and completely disrespect someone, our world would be a much better place.
Bickering and fighting over men is the ultimate “no no” and doubting someone else’s happiness, just because you don’t believe them, only makes you look bitter and weak.
Speaking of men, the nice guys seem to be the ones trying the hardest, stressing the most and still catching hell. The “dogs” don't really care since they're in relationships for only one thing.
At some point someone needs to stop making excuses and deal with the issue. Are there any wiser older Black women out there instructing younger women how to behave when they encounter a decent man? Have we fallen so far that it's hard to recognize a good person when we encounter them?
STOP THE MADNESS.
Get the chip off of your shoulder… If someone is kind to you, is polite to you, greets you with a friendly smile, reaches out to you or shows you respect, take it for what it is. Maybe if the black woman’s guard was not up so high, she wouldn’t think that everyone is against her or that someone was trying to take what she has.
For example, I was in Sally’s Beauty Supply the other day. I was looking at some products when another black woman walked up. I gave her a friendly smile and said “hi,” she frowned at me and did not speak back. I’m thinking to myself, “What’s her problem?”… Then to add insult to injury, she proceeds to stand DIRECTLY in front of me, blocked my view and begins looking at the items I was looking at before she walked up. No “excuse me” or anything! I was dumbfounded. But when I said “excuse me ma’am, I was looking at those items…” Then she wants to get an attitude with me like I was the one that was rude. IS SHE SERIOUS?!
Scenarios like this happen more than necessary… And I know it’s NOT just happening to me.
Ladies, RELAX, life is TOO SHORT to be so spiteful and careless.
While I do know that other races and men have various issues that they need to handle, I chose to focus on the BLACK WOMAN and base this blog off of my own personal experiences and others experiences as well.
When did it become, cute, OK and acceptable to be so rude and hateful to each other? Black women, we will make it much further in life if we learn to BUILD EACH OTHER UP, as oppose to tearing each other down. Learn to support and love. Gain an understanding of each other. But I feel like it's going to take a miracle before that happens.
STOP HOLDING GRUDGES, LEARN TO FORGIVE. We're only hurting ourselves in the long run by spending wasted energy, or trying to be nosy, and see what the next Black woman is doing, just so you can find something NEGATIVE to say about HER life. Do you see how backwards that sounds???
Help another Black woman out, in some way, even if it's small and see how good it feels. Speak kindly to a stranger on the street, open the door for someone instead of letting it close behind you in their face, call an old friend and tell her that you miss her and that you've been praying that her life is well. SMILE MORE, we are the most frowned up and mean looking group of people. Learn to relax and enjoy the GOOD things in life instead of focusing so much on the BAD. This list could go ON & ON...
But, I could never get personal satisfaction off of completely humiliating or belittling someone that looks like me. But some of you do... does talking about others make you feel better or in your mind places you up "higher" than others? If it does, your self-esteem is sadly, very low.
Do you realize how SILLY we look to some Black men and other races (men & women)?
Think about it.
Learn to just be happy for others and see how great things improve in your life. When you say or do something nice, leave it at that. Don’t ruin the moment by being hateful, vengeful or mean.
Sometimes I think to myself, we must not like what we see in the mirror, because when we see someone who looks like us, our aim is to hurt, harm and cut down.
And I’m definitely not hearing the excuse, “Black women are stereotyped but a lot of us do fall into that category by nature. We are fighters and survivors and sometimes we see battles were there are none.” Tell that to someone who wants to hear it…
Yes, many Black women have "fighter" attitudes but the art of it is to know when to whip it out if necessary. Just because you meet another Black woman with an attitude DOES NOT mean you have to reciprocate. (I usually don't... it's a waste of my time and unnecessary stress.)
But being a Black woman myself, I am torn when it comes to a CLEAR answer as to where this “CHIP” on the shoulder comes from. I can't help but shake my head and feel sorry for the majority that feeds into this stereotype. There are so many of us who are forward thinking, progressive Black women, then there are the ones who just don't have a clue as to how they contribute to the down fall of us as a gender, race & people. Perpetuating any type of negativity toward someone who is like you without cause is a form of self-hatred. PERIOD.
If you do not like what I've said, you're entitled to your opinion. I honestly feel that I have hit on a topic that many are afraid to address and discuss in a positive or helpful light... I'm not taking any of my words back and have meant exactly what I've said...
So what’s the reason(s)? Black women what do YOU think? Black men, and men and women of other races, what do YOU think?
I AM SO PROUD OF MY BEAUTIFUL, BROWN SKIN AND EMBRACING MY FEMININE ESSENCE... But WHY is there a DISCONNECT with some of my "SISTERS?" What are we teaching our children? Is this cycle going to continue into THEIR FUTURE?
~JUST JEMIA :o)
Dedicating this blog to the most supportive, encouraging, motivating, and loving beautiful, Black women in my life. I don't have to be perfect, because they celebrate my victories AT ALL TIMES and embrace me EVEN MORE when I’m down and need their shoulders… just as I do for them. That’s how it should be. To the BEST FRIENDS a woman could ask for, Tiffany Hawthorne, Vanessa Howard, Jasmine Jackson & Tami Sawyer. FOUR, WONDERFUL BLACK WOMEN, I LOVE DEARLY.
good post Tab. Love u too!
ReplyDeleteYou have a point about the lack of older women giving guidance to young women on sisterhood as well as life in general. There are severl reasons for the "angry black woman", however, none of them have anything to do with anyone else (I.e., there is no reason for you to take you foolishness out on me)...I think part of the problem is when you look at the famiy structure, now you can have grandmothers who are in their 30s, what are they teaching?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteThen there is a spiritual disconnect. When there is no familal connection to God, then how do you expect people to conduct themselves on a daily basis. Also when you look at role models for young ladies, it is sad to say what they see is not necessarily the best example. I think that as one grows one understands that it is not always about them and can learn to be supportive to other people.
It takes a really selfish person to not want someone else to be happy. That is part of the problem as well misery LOVES company...However, I find that if you are around more upbeat people you become more upbeat...I say instead of trying to understanding the foolishness of a few, redo you inner circle and keep those around that can enourage, motivate and support you as only a friend can do.
Another issue is when you have little girls having babies who have not learned how to be woemen. What are they going to teach their child. Therefore you have a very unhealthy cycle.
ReplyDeleteJemia, I think this is a good, reflective post. I also think it feeds into many of the stereotypes already out there about black women. Honestly, I think we already have these preconceived notions about other black women that we put every gesture, look, word, or action of our sisters into the same stereotypical categories that mainstream society used to judge us.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I have been blessed to have wonderful friends of different races, but mostly beautiful, strong, educated, God-fearing, and fabulous BLACK women. These women have been with me through every stage of my life and have helped me to become the woman I am today. They support me, encourage me, love me unconditionally, pray for me, and even indulge me in foolishness sometimes. :-) I thank God for them continuously and that I have avoided fake, phony, and hateful people.
There are definitely angry, hateful, spiteful, self-loathing, crab-mentality, and just downright abusive women out there and unfortunately some of them look like us. I hope that we can start looking at each other as individuals, not through the stereotypes that have been perpetuated about us, and start treating each other as the Queens we have been all along. Peace & Blessings!
Very interesting blog!! As a blk man and one of the "nice guys" I cant really comment on most of the blog but I can say that holding a door or just saying hello does get you dirty looks every now and then. I think some of them might think you are tying to get their number but holding the door is just what I do. I hold it for 80 yr white ladies too not becasue I want something but because it is the right thing to do. I think women and men's hate comes from wanting what you have. They see you doing good things and want to knock you down. I also think some women take the "independent" thing too far. Independent means you are doing your own thing. It doesnt mean make the "stank" face everytime somebody does something nice for you or compliments you. It also makes you very unapproachable. You never know how far a smile can take you. Lots of women have been hurt and I think that is just a defense to deal with the hurt but attitude drives me away not closer. I probably didnt make any sense but those are my thoughts lol.
ReplyDeleteumm, how come this was dedicated to me too??? Seriously though, that was well worth the read. You have a lot of valid points when it comes to women and having that "chip" on their shoulder. I have learned that when I am happy for someone that God has done something marvelous for in their lives, that blessing could come to me as well. When you hate on someone that God is blessing, it shows Him that you aren't capable of handling that blessing, so you don't get it. I think some black women feel as though people are always out to get them, and that's crazy! I do feel you on when you get a good man, friends scatter cause some of mine left like a piece of cake at Fat Albert's birthday party! I look at it as saying, I didn't need that dead weight anyway. You just keep doing what you're doing and loving like you're loving and let the haters hate, cause it lets you know that you are always on their mind :-)
ReplyDeleteYou said it just right, no home training and a lack of self esteem. Those with love in their hearts dont behave in such a way. Those who truly understand where love comes from knows wher they are heading! You have become a very good friend and I value that. I pray that your life continues to head in the direction you deserve, because the direction you deserve will reveal itself in his will!
ReplyDeleteWow! Great topic Jemia! I have asked myself and others this question for many years. I believe that there are so many reasons that a lot of black women are bitter-all of which need to be addresesed at some point in our lives in order to get better.
ReplyDeleteI must admit that I use to have a chip on my shoulder when it came to men. I use to be a women who was bitter because of so many negative past experiences. Even now, I slip up and find myself mad at men because of past expereinces. But I will say that never once did I take it out on another woman because of it.
Some black women are bitter for MANY reasons, all of which I understand. We are bitter because our daddies left our mothers to raise us alone. We are bitter because our daddies weren't around to set an example of the type of man we should date, therefore we dated azzholes who left us in tears. We had low self esteem so we gave our bodies to these azzholes and loved them, in search of a love in return, that we really wanted from our daddies. We are bitter because that same man broke our hearts and made us have trust issues with the next man, even the good one.We are bitter because we had to work 3-4 jobs throughout college because our parents didn't save money in a college fund like our white friend's parents did. We are bitter because men lie to us about being married and having kids, therefore we don't trust what men say, even though we want to. We are bitter because men disrespect us and we let them.
All of the reasons listed above are NO EXCUSE for us to take issues out on one another but some women do.
A lot of women are also bitter and negative because they have low self esteem. We hate each other because of what we don't have and the qualities that we don't possess. We want to be at certain stages in life but we have no idea what other people had to go through to get to those stages.
I TRULY believe that once black women get to the root of their issues, these problems can be resolved. Once we identify why we are the way we are, we should work on changing for the better. We have to find God, embrace Him, and trust Him to do what He has promised us to do.
It sadens me to see so many black women with such hate for each other. There are women who can't stand me but couldn't tell you my middle name-all because they see what I appear to have. Some women will even attempt to drag my name through the mud for the simple reason of me dating their current of ex boyfriend. I am favored by God-I have no choice but to be the loving, giving, kind hearted person that I am. That's the way that He made me. Maybe if more black women embraced who God has called them to be instead of trying to be who they want to be, we would learn to love one another for who we are.