I've had many inquiries from friends and readers on what it's like to LOVE someone else's child. Many people have been introduced to my relationship via Facebook, Twitter or they have met Adrian and I in person. People are consumed with the fact that I am so truly in love with my soulmate and that it's very clear we have a very loving, strong and connected relationship.
When we have his 2 year old, son, Aiden with us, we get "puzzled" looks like, "who is that???" "I don't remember Jemia having a baby?" Then people quickly discover that I am dating a man that has a child. *smile* It's not the most unheard of thing in the world! BUT... it takes a strong, mentally and spiritually grounded person to successfully love their partner and THEIR CHILD.
Adjusting to spending time with the child takes time, building a good rapport with the child takes patience, but overall, NEVER FORGET, you're dealing with an INNOCENT child. This child, regardless of age, should NEVER be shunned, disregarded, mistreated or made to feel unloved. By treating the child with respect and love, things will work out and the child will see you as someone he can trust and love back.
In my case, I was fortunate enough, that Aiden is very young and will have recollections of me always being apart of his life. But, if you're dating someone and their child is older, 4 or older, do not give up on building a good relationship with them, it's not impossible! Do not think that showering them with gifts will win them over, that might backfire. Just display a constant respect for them and let them know that you think their relationship with your partner (their mother or father) is very important to you as well. Never give up, genuine goodness towards them will be rewarded with love.
Also, whatever the relationship may be, between the child's parents, be very mindful about what you discuss in front of the child. If your significant other and their child's other parent, do not get along very well, STAND CLEAR of speaking negatively about the child's other parent. And remind your partner to not do the same in front of the child.
At the end of the day, you have to remind yourself, regardless of who the parents are, NO CHILD asked to be here. And due to that fact, we as adults must work hard to protect our children's innocence and hearts from the wrath and bitterness that adults face. What happens between grown people should stay between them, and a child should NEVER be dragged through adult drama.
Respecting boundaries... This is an important key in loving someone with a child. This child has a MOTHER and a FATHER. Never put yourself in a place where you're being viewed as trying to TAKE someone's position as a parent. Regardless of the connection, good or bad, between your partner and their child's other parent, respect that other parent for WHO THEY ARE to that child. In our case with Aiden, I never try to come across as his mother (he calls me "Mia") and I do not display disrespect towards his mother. Despite any good or bad standings between his father and mother, or myself. I respect her as just that... HIS MOTHER.
But, never forget that you are an adult as well and if you are going to be in this child's life, and he is going to be in yours, he MUST view you as an authority figure and respect you. You only GET respect by GIVING it. While Aiden may have a MOTHER & FATHER, there is ALWAYS room for him to have multiple, positive influences in his life! Whether it's his grandparents, daycare teachers, aunts, uncles, and even "daddy's girlfriend" (hopefully future step mom) *smile* ---
If you're selfish, self-absorbed, impatient, have a low tolerance for kids, gives up easily, is not understanding... Being with someone who already has children, IS NOT FOR YOU! You have to have it in your heart to trust, love and understand that everyone has a GOOD place in a relationship like this. Things don't work out over night, but when they do, the relationship you build with the child is so rewarding!
I make it my personal effort, that each time Aiden is with us, to love him and care for him as if he were my own. And only positive things can come from that. I take the time to pray for Aiden's life, his dad and I, and even his mother on a regular basis. When all is said and done, it's Aiden who is put first. He's the lucky one! He has good parents and his "Mia" to help guide him in the right direction throughout his life.
So I'll say to you, since each scenario is different, taking on the task of loving someone else's child, takes a strong backbone, patience, prayer, love and trust in your partner. Also when in doubt, READ. Educate yourself on how to handle this situation. I read a few books that helped me, maybe they'll help you:
"Stepmotherhood: How to Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked," by Cherie Burns,
"7 Steps to Bonding with Your Stepchild" by Susan J. Ziegahn
"Smart Stepmom, The: Practical Steps to Help You" by Ron L. Deal
I do realize that I am not married (YET), nor am I Aiden's Step-Mom (YET)... But they aren't exactly publishing books for being a good "Daddy's Girlfriend"... LOL! *smile*
"Loving your own child is easy. But loving someone else’s child is the truest form of compassion there is..."
~JUST JEMIA :o)
Dedicating this blog to one of the sweetest little faces I've ever laid eyes on!
I love you Aiden!
