Blog #13: When Is It Time To LET GO...?

Lately I've noticed that many people (friends & family) are in the early, mid or later phase of preparing to "LET GO." Is letting go of someone that you've dated, fallen in love with or spent a lot of time with easier said than done? How do you know when it's time to let go and look for love somewhere else?

Regardless of the situation, learning to let go of what's over is often a very difficult thing to do and the hurt can often last for years if a person simply won't break the hold. When love is found, one naturally wants to believe it will last forever. And it's great when it does. But when it doesn't, the hurt and pain can be devastating. But even more devastating can be the pain and suffering the person experiences from not letting go of what's gone and moving on with living. Turning off feelings for someone isn't like turning off a light switch. When a relationship ends, it doesn't mean the feelings disappear or go away. Being left alone with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, anger, grief, rejection, and despair can prove to be overwhelming.

In my past experiences from dating, I always looked at each "date" and prospective partner as an "outfit"... You have to be confident in your morals, values and decision making while dating. Every guy I met was new and unfamiliar and it was up to me to see if he was the "perfect fit." Dating is like trying on clothing. You have to "try it on" (i.e. spend time with, get to know and decide if it's a good "fit" or not) to see if it actually is a compatible situation. So many people out there force themselves to "fit" with someone, and that's when the problems start. For example you might wear a "size 10," but the guy you like is a "size 4" don't try to FORCE or MANIPULATE the situation and "SQUEEZE" into something that DOES NOT "FIT," and is going to fail down the road ANYWAY.

There are so many different scenarios where LETTING GO is required:

1. If you're "the other woman" who's waiting for a man to leave his lover, don't waste your time. "If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you." The man you want lacks integrity and can't make a commitment.

2. Are your standards too low? Are you waiting around for a man/woman that's let you down time and again: "What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you're willing to settle for that?" Recognize that you're settling and that you deserve more. Set a higher standard for yourself.

3. Does he/she really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which this person is really meeting your needs. Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he/she was. There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go 'Oh yeah! Now I remember why I left you!'" Don't kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past. Never get caught up in feeling sorry for someone that HURT YOU.

4. Don't wait around because you think he's going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that he's going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim.

5. Don't put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future. As long you are obsessed with this someone, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one. Set some goals and start putting your life back together.

6. Are you hiding in the relationship so you don't have to face the reality of being on your own? Don't stay with someone because it's comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it's not healthy for you and it certainly won't help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?

7. Be very clear with the person you're LETTING GO. Get out of my life. Stay away from me. Don't call me. If you live together, it's time to move out, or you may need to change your phone number. Do what you have to do to MOVE FORWARD.

8. Don't hold all new "prospects" responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he/she pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you?

9. Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. "How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections." Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you're nervous to get out there again, it's because you're afraid of what you can or can't do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it's not about the other person.

10. Don't invest more than you can afford to lose. While it's important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Don't put so much out there that you'll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south. BE PATIENT. TAKE YOUR TIME.

11. Don't beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you've learned from it, and now it's time to move forward. You'll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past... Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way. ACCEPT THAT AND LIVE LIFE!

You have to be true to yourself about what you can and cannot deal with when it comes down to a partner. Some believe that this "perfect" person that they daydream about truly exists. The male or female with the perfect career, education, family background & physical attributes. And maybe there is a list of things that is viewed as a "turn off" like, someone who didn't finish school, has kids (with enough drama involved to make anyone crazy), they smoke, they don't have an idealistic job of your choice, or don't make the kind of money your preferred. STOP analyzing other people's situations and FOCUS ON YOURSELF. All of us come into relationships with baggage, but you need to have closure on past experiences before you can start a new relationship with the odds in your favor. Regardless of the kind of person you see or don't see yourself involved with, the truth is, it's COMPLETELY our of your hands. Until you get closure, you will never come into a relationship with a fresh and clean heart, mind, expectancy and attitude. You're probably not ready to get into another relationship until you heal the wounds of your past.

Know that you will get hurt if you're in a relationship. There is no perfect person without flaws. Even a well-intended guy is going to hurt his partner. He's going to hurt your feelings. He's going to say things that you don't want him to say. He's going to do things you wish he wouldn't do and not do things you wish he would do. A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing spirits who say, ''I'd rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone." If you want to be in a relationship, know that getting hurt comes with the territory. You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle it.

In a nutshell, I'll put it like this. When you're dating, focus on time and learned lessons from past experiences. If you "try him on" and HE DOESN'T FIT... MOVE ON. Don't waste his time or yours. Learn from all of your mistakes and the people that you allowed to break your spirit or hurt your heart. Free yourself from all insecurities so that you can move forward and have a successful relationship when the "RIGHT" person FINALLY comes along.

Don't be the broken, bruised and scorned individual that has all of the potential in the world to find happiness. But runs potential partners off with nothing but negativity from your past.

The quicker you learn to LET GO, when you know in your heart, it just isn't right... You will save yourself A LOT of heartache and frustration.

Prince or Princess "charming" is out there searching for you. But you have to get your mind, body, heart and spirit in the right place to receive the love. And also face the reality that "THE ONE" for you may not be anything like you'd ever imagined. He or she might not come with the body like a "God" or the "cash-flow" you dreamt of... but that's OK. Don't be shallow. Open your mind to new things and live for love!

God knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Just be still and TRUST.

But first you have to...

LET GO.

LET GO.

LET GO.

~JUST JEMIA :o)

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." Isaiah 43:18 (One of my favorite BIBLE verses)