BLOG #21: WE'RE AMERICA'S TOP COUPLE™!!!

And America's Top Couple™ is *drumroll please* --- Jemia & Adrian!!! And Karen & Rick and Jackie & Christofer! We are so ecstatic to be voted for, supported and given the title of "America's Top Couple™" I think we will wear it well! *smile*

This journey began in January of 2011 when Adrian's high school classmate, Rashida contacted me on facebook and said that she thought Adrian and I would be perfect for this contest! I read up on the contest and found the ad for it in December's Essence magazine. After explaining it to Adrian and he seemed enthusiastic, I went for it!

We had to post a photo of us and write a 250-word essay explaining what makes our relationship special. This was the entry that I submitted:

"Laughter, loving wholeheartedly, and believing in each other's dreams, is the foundation to our relationship. Three years ago, a series of coincidences brought us together and we've been inseparable ever since. Our relationship continues to stay fresh, fiery, exhilarating and special because we have a common goal to keep each other happy. Keeping it traditional has been a major factor. Love story scenarios like picnics in the park, publicly holding hands and/or caressing, slow dancing, him bringing me flowers, long walks together, surprising him with his favorite meal, romantic weekend get-a-ways to relax and enjoy something new. The mushier the better! Being in love and best friends has been one of the most favored experiences we've ever had. The ability to be who we truly are, the good, great or bad, it's accepted and the love is unconditional. Through trust and communication our relationship has evolved into something so powerful, that even we're amazed at how connected we are to one another. The sight of him makes my heart race, his kiss makes me melt and his embrace is my "security blanket." Our biggest factor to keeping our relationship special is LAUGHTER. Learning to giggle, chuckle and sometimes burst out laughing at each other is not only healing, it enhances our intimacy, and allows us to get over life's hurdles together. It's been our experience that mutual laughter and playful moments together are an essential component that keeps our relationship strong and healthy! The big smiles on our faces say it all!"

After clicking "send" we anxiously waited... There were thousands of entries and I really didn't know how it would turn out. There were a lot of attractive couples and great entries, so we just hoped for the best! On March 9th, we got an email congratulating us and telling us that we had been chosen from thousands and made it to the TOP 10 FINALISTS!! We were shocked and ecstatic, and the voting was about to begin!

For 20 days, Adrian and I solicited votes, we emailed close family and friends, college buddies, sorority sisters, fraternity brothers, college alumni groups, etc. I posted a daily reminder to vote on my facebook status, and we even had the contest announced on our local radio stations, 95.7 JAMZ (Thanks Mary!) and 98.7 KISS (Thanks Chris!)... 95.7 JAMZ even posted an article about us on their website!

Things were going so well, that we decided to create a video expressing our thanks and appreciation to those who had voted for us! And the video included a slideshow, giving friends, family and voters a glimpse into our relationship! You can check out our video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6jeO1i_phk

Voting ended on March 30th and we were happy to have received so much love and support! We were told we would not get the results until "Mid-April," so for almost 2 weeks we had to anxiously wait to find out if we had won.

On April 11th, Adrian's 32nd birthday, he and I were relaxing after a weekend of celebrating his special day. We were about to get our day started, but I needed to handle some work related business via my iPhone. I was looking for a contract that I was expecting through my email... As I was scrolling down my list of emails I saw one that said, "CONGRATULATIONS - You have been selected as a GRAND PRIZE couple in the AMERICA'S TOP COUPLE™ Contest!" I couldn't believe it! Before I said anything to Adrian, I read the entire email first. Then I walked over to him and said, "I have a birthday surprise for you, something super exciting!" He looked at me really puzzled like "Huh?"... lol! I handed him my phone so he could read the email, after skimming the first couple of lines he looked at me and said, "ARE YOU SERIOUS!? We won!!!" He sat up from watching TV, grabbed me close to him and asked for a celebratory kiss! We couldn't stop smiling, and was so excited for the rest of his birthday! Talk about PERFECT timing!

We had to keep quiet about our win until all paper work was completed and the announcement was made! Well they finally posted the winners!!!

We are still shocked and amazed and excited about our up and coming romantic get away! People keep asking what we won, well this is what we get: A cash prize, we leave for NYC in a couple of weeks for a romantic get away (all expense paid -- flight, hotel, car to take us to and from), we'll have a professional photo shoot while we are there and our photo will be in a National magazine by August!

We are SO EXCITED to have this opportunity! All in the name of LOVE! Love it! My facebook and twitter friends know I'm ALL ABOUT #TeamLove!!!

Thank you so much for all of the votes, support, kind words and believing in Adrian and I! We will carry the title of "America's Top Couple™" with MUCH PRIDE and LOVE!

~JUST JEMIA :o)

Dedicating this blog to the two other couple's who are also "America's Top Couple™!" Karen & Rick and Jackie & Christofer!!! We look forward to meeting you all in NEW YORK!!!

BLOG #20: JEMIA & ADRIAN for "AMERICA'S TOP COUPLE!"

Adrian and I need your VOTES!!! A friend of ours (Thanks Rashida!) suggested a contest to me that she saw in ESSENCE magazine back in January. She thought Adrian and I would be PERFECT for it :) After running it by Adrian and he seemed enthusiastic about the competition, I entered our names in the nationwide contest. The contest is titled "AMERICA'S TOP COUPLE!" I had to write a 250 word essay describing what makes our relationship special? And surprise, surprise, we were chosen (out of THOUSANDS of entries) as one of the TOP 10 finalists! We are so excited!

WE NEED YOUR VOTES! (you can vote everyday)

For all people that are on Facebook (you must have a facebook account) I am kindly asking if you would PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE vote for us!

HERE ARE THE STEP BY STEP DIRECTIONS: #1) Go to http://www.facebook.com/kycouples ("Couples Place by K-Y Brand") #2) Click on "Like" #3) Click on "Allow" so that you may view the contest #4) You may have to click on "Contest" to the far left. Or the contest will automatically pop up! Click on our picture & click on "Vote" (we are on the 2nd row, in the middle, and our entry is titled "BEST FRIENDS AND LOVERS FOREVERMORE") You may be prompted to fill out a very brief form (only once, the first time you vote) to receive other giveaways when you play the "PLAY TO WIN GAME." Some people have already won $100 visa gift cards, a $250 travelocity.com gift card, and so many other prizes! Believe it or not, the other day, I was voting for us and I won a couple's massage valued at $160!!! How about that?! You have a chance to win something EVERYDAY because you can vote once daily!

This contest is sponsored by K-Y! :) *gasp!* It has truly amazed me how people have this "taboo" stigma with K-Y! Yes, K-Y is a trusted brand that has enhanced many intimate scenarios. While mainly known for it's lubricants, K-Y offers so many other great products to add some "spice" in the bedroom! And I truly believe that this contest is a great way for K-Y to be recognized as a company and brand that makes fabulous products and not just "K-Y jelly" as some of my friends have so eloquently put it! LOL! Go to http://www.k-y.com and check out their products!

Adrian and I are OK and confident with the company that is sponsoring this contest! Thanks K-Y! We're all adults here right?! *smile* We have no concerns of being connected with anything that is inappropriate or endangering to our personal reputations. We are just thrilled that amongst thousands we were chosen as TOP 10 finalists to show the world how much we love each other! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, that we will remember for the rest of our lives!

If we win, we will receive a ROMANTIC get-a-way to New York City (including $1000 spending money)! We will have a professional photo shoot, and those images will be featured in a national magazine! How fun is that?! They are going to choose a 1st, 2nd and 3rd place couple!

We are SO ECSTATIC!

Please pass this along to as many people as possible! Even if you don't have a Facebook account please spread the word to people who do, and tell them to VOTE FOR US!!!

Thank you so much for your time & support!

Wish us luck!

Sincerely,

Jemia & Adrian

~JUST JEMIA :o)

BLOG #19: "Social Networking: What's Too Much Information About Your Relationship?"

I'm blogging today about a topic that comes up in conversation all the time. This is not just geared towards dating relationships, it can also relate to friendships, marriages (good or bad standing), and so many other relationships or connections you can have with an individual.

Some people use Facebook or Twitter as a means of entertainment, some use it as a place to vent and some people use it as a place to be open and honest about who they are. It just varies from person to person.

I'm keying in on dating relationships. Last week I was on Facebook and came across a status update from one of my guy friends that said, "Why do women get on here and try to make other women feel bad about their relationship status by posting everything that their man does for them???" I re-read it about 3 times and pondered on his question. Being someone that is generally open about the happiness that my relationship brings me via social networks, I was shocked by his point of view. And I had honestly never looked at my own posts in that light...

I continued to read other responses to his status update: "I'm not going to do that about my man, and have other females trying to push up on what's mine! Hell no! That's how mess gets started!" --- "Yep and you know it's fake cause if your man does something or buys you something, you must not be use to it if you gotta broadcast it all the time..." --- "They're just campaigning to get him taken. They'll be broadcasting his infidelities next. Bless their heart..."

*blank stare*

I was dismayed by the negativity oozing from the responses. Not all people are malicious or premeditated in their thoughts when posting things on FB or Twitter. Some people, like myself are just sharing what they want to about their life. With no intentions to hurt anyone. With that, I just had to respond and shed some light on MY intentions and the reasonings behind my posts. They are far from pessimistic.

My response: I was browsing FB from my phone... and this status made me pull my laptop back out and log on so I could type... A LOT...

As a woman who PROUDLY proclaims my love for my significant other on here, it has nothing to do with me being FAKE, BOASTFUL or intending to inflict HURT on anyone...

#1 If any woman feels bad about what I post about my relationship and what my significant other has purchased me... they might need to check themselves and their self-esteem. I haven't been in a relationship all of my life, and therefore know what it's like to watch my friends who were happily dating, engaged, married, etc. when I had NO ONE. I never took it personally. I just celebrated their happiness and knew that MY TIME WOULD COME.

#2 On the contrary, what I do post on here... whether it be about what he and I are doing together, what I gave him, or what he gave me is NOT posted with the intentions to make ANYONE FEEL BAD. I'm just celebrating my happiness and proclaiming it to the world. I'm entitled to do that. It's not everyday that you find THE ONE, or YOUR SOULMATE. SO... I'm seizing the moment and rejoicing in the love I have found. NOT TO BRAG. BUT TO CHERISH EVERY SECOND OF THIS MOMENT, I MAY NEVER GET AGAIN.

#3 Be careful as to perceive things so negatively. You'd be surprised how many single women express genuine HAPPINESS and JOY on here for my positive relationship. Telling me that they LOVE to see the posts and pictures about us because it gives them hope that a GOOD MAN does exist, and that they will find their "Prince." I've received inbox messages for days to show you that not ALL women are hurt, or intimidated by another woman's happiness.

#4 If you think that women like myself who share certain details on their relationship on social networks is FAKE... so be it. Rest assure, ever flower, piece of jewelry or outfit I get from him is accepted with genuine love... To broadcast it or NOT is my choice. But it doesn't mean that the woman is not use to receiving things. It's just a choice of her being OPEN or not. I've had a few of my friends tell me that they enjoy seeing the things I get or give... because it gives them ideas of what they could get their boyfriend or husband. And some of my single friends have said it's taught them to believe that there are men out there willing to do nice things for them. So I definitely disagree...

#5 As far as a man being "taken" based off of the posting of his girlfriend's Facebook page is funny to me. It's about being confident in your relationship and trusting your partner. Females can try 24/7 to get his attention, but what we have is faith based, strong and SOLID. Only a weak man will accept the advances of another woman, when he knows what he has is TRUE, TRUSTWORTHY and fits the description of the woman he's always dreamed of... CONFIDENCE in what you have goes a long way. I'm not worried. *shrugs*

#6 To each his own. What people choose to do in their lives, or on their FB walls or Twitter pages, is a personal choice. You don't have to like it, or you can love it... You can turn your head, or you can LOOK. It really is that simple. But never ASSUME why someone is doing what they're doing... I've experienced a lot in my life (the verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, being used because I was too nice or naive) and flaunting my relationship is not what I'm doing. YOU DON'T KNOW MY STORY. OR MY WALK IN LIFE. OR WHY I'M SO DAMN HAPPY ABOUT FINDING MY TRUE LOVE. My intentions are to give hope and be proof that true love does still exists. And I've had plenty of friends to prove that my point is being taken the way I intended; in a positive manner. NOT NEGATIVELY OR TO HURT SOMEONE. I know what it's like to want love, desire love and feel like it's never going to come. I just chose to stay positive and celebrate my friends good fortune when they got engaged, started a new relationship, got married... instead of being jealous hearted or envious.

#7 Be mindful that on facebook and/or Twitter, you're dealing with MANY different personalities and characteristics... What you might see as drastic or over the top is just an "OPEN MINDED" person's way of expressing themselves. Not everyone feels that they have to be PRIVATE & "hush hush" about EVERY single aspect or detail of their life. Respect people for who they choose to be, and share about their life, even if you don't get it.

#8 At the end of the day. If you don't like like what someone is posting, or disagree with it... there's always the delete/block button. Make the choice NOT to see it. People are NOT going to change who they are, or what they post, just for YOU.

But the way you're viewing these women that are proud of their relationships is not the case for ALL OF US...

Just my two cents..."

I had to get my point across. I'm not a cynical individual. And I refuse to let people make assumptions about me or any other man or woman who chooses to be elated, forthright and openly expressive about their relationship, friendship, partnership or any other "ship" in your life...

Before joining a social network, you have to be clear that you are opening yourself up to an audience of sorts. For friends and family to see what you're up to, for stalkers/enemies to dislike you even more (LOL) and for maybe even that individual that has a crush on you and is too scared to approach you in person. What you post can be viewed or taken in many different ways and you have to be aware of that. As long as you know the true intentions of your pictures, comments, status updates, and/or tweets it should not matter what others think.

I've had people tell me, "you post too much about your relationship online..." My inner thought says, "MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS..." LOL! But my usual reply is, "I'm not ashamed to be OPENLY in love and could care less about what others (you) think. If you don't like it, or don't understand it, DELETE me" or like Oxford Dictionary's word of the year for 2009, UNFRIEND me (YES! It's a word in the dictionary now). People attempt to read way too deeply in the intentions or target of someone's posts, pictures, etc. on the internet. STOP IT. There's nothing wrong with creative expression or someone just being true to who they are.

But I do find it hard to watch individuals publicly defame or attack their husband, wife, significant other, ex-spouses, child's other parent, family members, friends, etc. online. For example: "My husband is such an inconsiderate ass, I don't even know why I married him" --- "My baby's daddy is a dead beat, and I wish I never messed around with him" --- (name) is such a bitch, our friendship sucked ANYWAY."

And how can we oversee the extremely negative, depressing, desperate and downtrodden status updates and posts about how BAD their life sucks and how no one loves them. Whether direct, indirect, or subliminal, defeatist or gloomy posts are usually shocking or painful to read. No one likes a "Debbie Downer"...

While I still say, be true to who you are and express how you truly feel. I personally refuse to allow my "audience" to see me down and out, angry or viewed in a negative light. To each his own... The majority of my "babbling" online is upbeat, positive, happy, random and full of wit or wisdom. I'm just baffled at the people who can see ALL of the negativity or hate trickling down their "newsfeed" or "timeline," BUT STILL pinpoint my trivial, just for fun, posts about my happy, love life! LOL! Something is truly wrong with that picture! *shrugs*

But the choice is yours! Post what you like... and we as your "friends" or "followers" have the option to read your thoughts or NOT. It really IS that simple... Stop worrying about what the next woman or man is posting and focus on your own social networking!!!

~JUST JEMIA :o)

#TeamLove

BLOG #18: "GOOD MEN: They DO Exist"

J. S. this one's for you ;)

Many women often complain that all the GOOD men are either in serious relationships or married. Women also tend to categorize men as a power hungry, self-absorbed, money obsessed, physically abusive and sexually driven species. In some cases, this is indeed true, but there are many men who live in contrast to these stereotypes. While much is made of the fact that women suffer all types of abuse from men, so many good men, with compassionate and loving hearts, have had their lives turned upside down because of the actions of their wife, girlfriend or significant other. Unfortunately, their stories often go untold. Until now:

A self-proclaimed "Good Man" stated this:

"There ARE good guys out there... Trouble is, women just let us slip right under the radar, because we're not "fun", meaning: loud, obnoxious, arrogant, well-known around town, cocky, or cause a bunch of unnecessary drama.

Some good men, may be a little quieter, shyer, maybe sometimes a little awkward. But I'll tell you one thing we have that the cocky jerk doesn't have... A heart. Good guys that are in relationships for the right reasons, let ourselves be vulnerable like anyone in love should. It's too bad that many women are so used to being with "Mr. Tough Guy" (or some guy that can't even respect himself, let alone his girl) that they don't see the value in our "Good Guy" characteristics.

Instead, it's a lot of good guys getting labeled as "lame" or "weird" because of our good nature and putting ourselves out there. Any REAL man will show his emotions, especially to the one he loves. It's not about being "Mr. Macho" or looking for someone to "fix" because they have a million issues. It's about finding someone that is ALREADY good enough for you and that you can be vulnerable around each other and trust each other and be emotional together. To me that would be the greatest relationship.

The sad thing is, a lot of people don't know what it means to LOVE. All the world seems to know anymore is LUST. It's in our music, our entertainment, LUST is sadly, glorified in our society and it has an effect on most. LOVE is something different.

Do good guys exist? Most certainly... You just need to open your heart to new and different things/people/etc. It's a shame a lot of GREAT MEN, with GOOD AND CARING HEARTS have to wait around a while for love. Women wanting a good man, are most definitely missing out because they tolerate so much from men who could care less about them. But I guess there's a time and a place for everything."

With that being said, so many women have it in their head that they only like "ONE KIND" of man. What if that kind of man, just isn't good for you? Ladies, more than likely, the man that you LEAST suspect, is the perfect man for you. You just never know. Stop chasing men that have a KNOWN reputation for being a "womanizer" and has screwed half of the city. Stop going after men that you know for a FACT is not compatible with you and will NOT treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. Stop running up behind men that you know ONLY wants you for one thing... SEX. Stop pursuing that married man that cheats on his wife constantly... Do you really think he won't do it to you to?!! *shaking my head*

And when did it become a bad thing for a man to want to spend most of his free time with his significant other? But is accepted more by his peers when he chooses to leave her at home, lonely, so he can get drunk with a bunch of guys? Ladies trust me, a GOOD MAN, will NEVER leave you alone all of the time, so that he can get "plastered," hang-out or go clubbin' with his buddies. A good man knows how to balance both worlds between his love-life and his friends, and won't let anyone stop him or patronize him for wanting to spend time with you and/or take care of your needs.

One thing I've always told my friends, if you want a GOOD MAN, you've got to be a GOOD WOMAN. So ask yourself that, do you TRULY possess the caring, nurturing, giving, selfless, team player characteristics that most GOOD WOMEN have? So before you can get a good man, you have to check yourself first. Think about it, most women who are selfish, materialistic, are known for being promiscuous and/or all about SELF first, are rarely seen in stable, LOVING relationships. So, sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself. Are YOU a good woman?

If so, value yourself more, open your eyes a little wider to new and different things, and a man you NEVER looked at in "that way" just may be the GOOD MAN you've been praying about. Stop cutting off your options and limiting yourself to what you THOUGHT was your kind of man. If you're dating a guy that thinks it's cowardly or feminine for a man to express his true feelings to his significant other, HE'S NOT THE ONE. A man that is able to be open with you and tell you how he really feels is the sure signs of a possible GOOD MAN. Give him a chance!

See ladies, good men are out there, and they are looking for loving, nurturing and committed relationships just as women are. However, as is the case for many women, they must battle the "ghosts" and insecurities that exist from previous relationships, and this makes it difficult for them to obtain, and maintain, a healthy and stable relationship. All that the good men out there want is to love and be loved, and in some cases they are more than willing to provide love, financial support and guidance to children that are not biologically theirs. In this day and age, where character and values are at the low end of the spectrum for many men, that speaks volumes!

There is no question that some men are heartless bastards, but there are also men who believe in having good, long-term, monogamous relationships and fight to maintain them. These men should be acknowledged, appreciated and respected. Contrary to popular belief, all men are NOT the same.

Ladies, if you've got yourself a good man, be happy and proud that he found you! And those that desire a good man, he's out there, don't give up. Be mindful of that nice guy or gentleman that you turned your nose up to... Pray, God knows the desires of your heart! And be sure you're open to new changes and new kinds of people.

GOOD MEN DO EXIST.

~JUST JEMIA :o)

Special acknowledgement to my other half (ACS), that has proven to be a GREAT MAN and loves me the way I deserve to be. And I also want to show love to the GOOD MEN out there, waiting patiently for the opportunity to be that good man and provider that you know you are. She's out there. You've just got to make her OPEN HER EYES a little wider! Good luck!

BLOG #17: "Loving Someone Else's Child"

I've had many inquiries from friends and readers on what it's like to LOVE someone else's child. Many people have been introduced to my relationship via Facebook, Twitter or they have met Adrian and I in person. People are consumed with the fact that I am so truly in love with my soulmate and that it's very clear we have a very loving, strong and connected relationship.

When we have his 2 year old, son, Aiden with us, we get "puzzled" looks like, "who is that???" "I don't remember Jemia having a baby?" Then people quickly discover that I am dating a man that has a child. *smile* It's not the most unheard of thing in the world! BUT... it takes a strong, mentally and spiritually grounded person to successfully love their partner and THEIR CHILD.

Adjusting to spending time with the child takes time, building a good rapport with the child takes patience, but overall, NEVER FORGET, you're dealing with an INNOCENT child. This child, regardless of age, should NEVER be shunned, disregarded, mistreated or made to feel unloved. By treating the child with respect and love, things will work out and the child will see you as someone he can trust and love back.

In my case, I was fortunate enough, that Aiden is very young and will have recollections of me always being apart of his life. But, if you're dating someone and their child is older, 4 or older, do not give up on building a good relationship with them, it's not impossible! Do not think that showering them with gifts will win them over, that might backfire. Just display a constant respect for them and let them know that you think their relationship with your partner (their mother or father) is very important to you as well. Never give up, genuine goodness towards them will be rewarded with love.

Also, whatever the relationship may be, between the child's parents, be very mindful about what you discuss in front of the child. If your significant other and their child's other parent, do not get along very well, STAND CLEAR of speaking negatively about the child's other parent. And remind your partner to not do the same in front of the child.

At the end of the day, you have to remind yourself, regardless of who the parents are, NO CHILD asked to be here. And due to that fact, we as adults must work hard to protect our children's innocence and hearts from the wrath and bitterness that adults face. What happens between grown people should stay between them, and a child should NEVER be dragged through adult drama.

Respecting boundaries... This is an important key in loving someone with a child. This child has a MOTHER and a FATHER. Never put yourself in a place where you're being viewed as trying to TAKE someone's position as a parent. Regardless of the connection, good or bad, between your partner and their child's other parent, respect that other parent for WHO THEY ARE to that child. In our case with Aiden, I never try to come across as his mother (he calls me "Mia") and I do not display disrespect towards his mother. Despite any good or bad standings between his father and mother, or myself. I respect her as just that... HIS MOTHER.

But, never forget that you are an adult as well and if you are going to be in this child's life, and he is going to be in yours, he MUST view you as an authority figure and respect you. You only GET respect by GIVING it. While Aiden may have a MOTHER & FATHER, there is ALWAYS room for him to have multiple, positive influences in his life! Whether it's his grandparents, daycare teachers, aunts, uncles, and even "daddy's girlfriend" (hopefully future step mom) *smile* ---

If you're selfish, self-absorbed, impatient, have a low tolerance for kids, gives up easily, is not understanding... Being with someone who already has children, IS NOT FOR YOU! You have to have it in your heart to trust, love and understand that everyone has a GOOD place in a relationship like this. Things don't work out over night, but when they do, the relationship you build with the child is so rewarding!

I make it my personal effort, that each time Aiden is with us, to love him and care for him as if he were my own. And only positive things can come from that. I take the time to pray for Aiden's life, his dad and I, and even his mother on a regular basis. When all is said and done, it's Aiden who is put first. He's the lucky one! He has good parents and his "Mia" to help guide him in the right direction throughout his life.

I never thought I could love someone else's child this much, but I do! It's not always easy, children never are! But when I see him smiling, laughing and happy it makes it all worth while especially when I get a hug, a kiss and he says "Wuv you Mia!" I look forward to the day, that our family grows (Aiden is going to be a great big brother) and the wonderful memories to come!

So I'll say to you, since each scenario is different, taking on the task of loving someone else's child, takes a strong backbone, patience, prayer, love and trust in your partner. Also when in doubt, READ. Educate yourself on how to handle this situation. I read a few books that helped me, maybe they'll help you:

"Stepmotherhood: How to Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked," by Cherie Burns,

"7 Steps to Bonding with Your Stepchild" by Susan J. Ziegahn

"Smart Stepmom, The: Practical Steps to Help You" by Ron L. Deal

I do realize that I am not married (YET), nor am I Aiden's Step-Mom (YET)... But they aren't exactly publishing books for being a good "Daddy's Girlfriend"... LOL! *smile*

"Loving your own child is easy. But loving someone else’s child is the truest form of compassion there is..."

~JUST JEMIA :o)

Dedicating this blog to one of the sweetest little faces I've ever laid eyes on!

I love you Aiden!

BLOG #16: What's With The "Chip" On The Black Woman's Shoulder?

So, I've been brainstorming on this blog for a while now. Started it back in July, and some things moved me to go ahead and complete it. It may be a sensitive subject to some, but I'm going to give MY honest opinions on the issue.

Thank you to one of my readers, S. Cox, for the idea. She sent me a message requesting that I write on this particular subject. In the message she said, "Why do women hate one another so much and try to bring each other down? I honestly do not have a clear answer for her, but here are some of the things that I found out in the process of preparing for this blog.

I'm going to correlate the question presented to me along with some other thoughts and focus on why BLACK WOMEN (yes, I'm focusing JUST ON BLACK WOMEN) today, seem to have this "CHIP" on their shoulder.

Now, let me go ahead and get this out of the way. I AM NOT SPEAKING FOR OR TALKING ABOUT EVERY BLACK WOMAN. Just a large majority... ;) If this doesn't pertain to you, so be it, if it does, please think about your actions.

Through my experiences in life, I have always heard various observations of the Black woman. We're "strong, tough, have major attitudes... etc." But why is that? I've heard stories that go all the way back to slavery times, mentions of the Black woman having to be the mother and the father in many situations, and the list goes on and on... BUT WHAT IS IT REALLY?

The "chip" I'm speaking on is the way black women tend to be angry or upset on a regular basis. It disturbs me to think that many races and even some black men think that we have the tendencies to be "ANGRY" all of the time.

For example, from my personal experiences, it drives me insane, when I'm just being polite and speak to another Black woman in passing and she either, looks at me like I'm crazy, rolls her eyes or doesn't acknowledge me at all. My boyfriend has spoke of times when he has opened the door to a restaurant or a store for a Black woman, only to be looked at with a guarded grimace as if though he must want something from her.

Have we as Black women, become so callus that we have forgotten how to give and receive polite mannerisms?

I know that all ethnicities of women are not always close with one another, but amongst other races i get a sense of unity, support and/or togetherness. Almost like a sisterly bond... So Black women, why are you we so quick to defame one another, hurt one another, wish and hope on the WORST for each other, show signs of jealousy or hate when another Black woman is blessed with something wonderful (i.e., a relationship, a good marriage, a good education, a good career, etc.)... WHY IS THAT? CAN YOU GIVE ME A VALID ANSWER?

As I was researching and reading about this topic... I begin going to GOOGLE and typing in, "Why are (race) women so..." The results amazed me. Google works like this, when you begin typing in a word or phrase, it begins to "auto search" for you and find similar topics that other people have searched for. The information that comes up first is what has been "SEARCHED" the most... This is based off of hundreds of thousands, possibly MILLIONS of people that have searched various topics via Google. The search engine results are not FACTS, but what others have "googled" and I found it VERY interesting.

When I typed in "Why are ASIAN women so..." I got, "thin, attractive, ugly, rude, beautiful, small & pretty..." When I typed in "Why are INDIAN women so..." I got, "beautiful, ugly, thin, pretty, rude..." When I typed in "Why are LATIN women so..." I got, "beautiful..." When I typed in "Why are MEXICAN women so..." I got, "beautiful, crazy, ugly, jealous..." When I typed in "Why are WHITE women so... I got, " beautiful, stupid, racist, hot, easy, ugly, attractive, skinny..." And FINALLY when I typed in "Why are BLACK women so..." I got, angry, loud, rude, overweight, mean, hated, annoying, beautiful, difficult, obnoxious..." (bitter and crazy came up on this list as well a month ago) WOW... a far cry and difference compared to the other races... People are googling and searching and this is what comes up... these results come up because REAL PEOPLE are looking and searching these "phrases"...

I was floored when I saw how negative and horrible the results were for Black women. It kind of made me sad. It made me think... IS THIS WHAT THE WORLD THINKS ABOUT BLACK WOMEN???

Are we that disconnected from UNITY that we rather slander, defame and keep up MESS with each other, rather than help one another out? It's sad.

Like I said earlier, this is from MY observations and MY experiences and not intended to categorize ALL... but not much has change in my 28 years of life. Since elementary school, all the way through college and into my adult years... my African-American female friends/associates were the one's that were quickest to stab me in the back, talk about me, express hate or jealousy, and kick me when I was down. WHY???????

BLACK WOMEN... WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

There always expressions of HATE when someone else is doing better than you, has something you desire. And even the accomplished women, won't take the time to help another Black woman out. We're all for self and there's a unspoken satisfaction to see another down and out or at an all time low.

In my life, when I was doing wrong or things weren't going so well... I had friends for days. When I was partying, drinking, smoking, cursing people out, had a brush with the law, and doing things that all of my "peers" were doing, everyone had my back. But as soon as (just to name a few), I got new cars, got accepted into a good school, got my degree, was in a place where I could travel the world, pledged into my sorority, my family's name was a positive name in the city, or my biggest test yet, falling in love with a wonderful man... those very people SCATTERED LIKE ROACHES accept for my TRUE FRIENDS...

I can recall some of my best friends, getting married to an influential and successful partner, having wonderful & prosperous careers, getting promotions at their job, buying their first homes, getting their master's degree, preparing to have a baby, finding TRUE LOVE. Some of our mutual friends would call me and speak negatively about "what they have ain't ALL THAT," "She thinks she's better than everyone else," "She doesn't deserve that kind of luck"...etc. Is that really necessary???

As a Black woman with hopes, dreams and aspirations, I was PROUD of my friends. Even when they've accomplished things that I'm still dreaming of and hoping for... They are deserving of what God has blessed them with and I pray that God sees fit to bless me with the same IN HIS TIME.

I have had Black women that know ABSOLUTELY nothing about me, pompously, attempt to wreak havoc on my reputation, speak untruths about my life, disrespect me, and attempt to hurt me... BUT FOR WHAT?! To prove what point to WHO?

It's like, "let's see how MISERABLE I can make this person, so she can be brought DOWN TO MY LEVEL?" Why do we seek out to bring harm to one another, and entertain others with ridiculous "SOAP OPERAS?" I truly do not understand such tomfoolery.

Why are we so quick to question someone's good favor and happiness? For example, if I say "I'M IN LOVE," I'm JUST THAT. And if I feel like proclaiming it to the world, SO BE IT. All of my friends of other races have congratulated, shown love, and expressed excitement for this happy time in my life. But leave it up to SOME of the Black women around me or in ears distance... "She sounds like she's trying to convince herself, always talking about how 'in love' she is..." The doubt, the hate, the obvious jealousy, LADIES, is it REALLY that deep? Why does my personal happiness and the fact that I'm not afraid to express it bother you?

If they really knew me like my family and real friends do, they would know that Jemia deserves EVERY ounce of the good man she has in her life. I waited very patiently (6 years to be exact) and stayed in prayer about a good man filling my life with happiness. And if I damn well please to shout it from the roof tops about how happy I am and how wonderful it is to find real love, I'm going to do it. And if you care to be small minded, irritated, or annoyed when you hear it or read it, remove yourself from my life and/or access to my world (via social networks). You're wasting way too much energy worrying about what others have, instead of tending to your own. I NEVER said my life was perfect, I have many things that need to be worked on in my life, but naturally, I harp on and dote on the main things that bring my life joy! I'm seizing the moment... What are you doing? Prayer works... HATE blocks blessings...

Now, don’t get me wrong. Just like the average teenager or young adult, I have entertained gossip and mess over the years. But some of you all take it to a completely different level. When did bashing and talking badly about one another become something that was considered fun? Some of the things you say about one another is pre-meditated, malicious and down right hateful. Do you really think this is going to benefit the quality of your life in the long run?

If we as Black women, learned to put the same efforts & energy into our own personal lives and bettering ourselves, with the amount of energy used to cut down other women, gossip, keep up mess and completely disrespect someone, our world would be a much better place.

Bickering and fighting over men is the ultimate “no no” and doubting someone else’s happiness, just because you don’t believe them, only makes you look bitter and weak.

Speaking of men, the nice guys seem to be the ones trying the hardest, stressing the most and still catching hell. The “dogs” don't really care since they're in relationships for only one thing.

At some point someone needs to stop making excuses and deal with the issue. Are there any wiser older Black women out there instructing younger women how to behave when they encounter a decent man? Have we fallen so far that it's hard to recognize a good person when we encounter them?

STOP THE MADNESS.

Get the chip off of your shoulder… If someone is kind to you, is polite to you, greets you with a friendly smile, reaches out to you or shows you respect, take it for what it is. Maybe if the black woman’s guard was not up so high, she wouldn’t think that everyone is against her or that someone was trying to take what she has.

For example, I was in Sally’s Beauty Supply the other day. I was looking at some products when another black woman walked up. I gave her a friendly smile and said “hi,” she frowned at me and did not speak back. I’m thinking to myself, “What’s her problem?”… Then to add insult to injury, she proceeds to stand DIRECTLY in front of me, blocked my view and begins looking at the items I was looking at before she walked up. No “excuse me” or anything! I was dumbfounded. But when I said “excuse me ma’am, I was looking at those items…” Then she wants to get an attitude with me like I was the one that was rude. IS SHE SERIOUS?!

Scenarios like this happen more than necessary… And I know it’s NOT just happening to me.

Ladies, RELAX, life is TOO SHORT to be so spiteful and careless.

While I do know that other races and men have various issues that they need to handle, I chose to focus on the BLACK WOMAN and base this blog off of my own personal experiences and others experiences as well.

When did it become, cute, OK and acceptable to be so rude and hateful to each other? Black women, we will make it much further in life if we learn to BUILD EACH OTHER UP, as oppose to tearing each other down. Learn to support and love. Gain an understanding of each other. But I feel like it's going to take a miracle before that happens.

STOP HOLDING GRUDGES, LEARN TO FORGIVE. We're only hurting ourselves in the long run by spending wasted energy, or trying to be nosy, and see what the next Black woman is doing, just so you can find something NEGATIVE to say about HER life. Do you see how backwards that sounds???

Help another Black woman out, in some way, even if it's small and see how good it feels. Speak kindly to a stranger on the street, open the door for someone instead of letting it close behind you in their face, call an old friend and tell her that you miss her and that you've been praying that her life is well. SMILE MORE, we are the most frowned up and mean looking group of people. Learn to relax and enjoy the GOOD things in life instead of focusing so much on the BAD. This list could go ON & ON...

But, I could never get personal satisfaction off of completely humiliating or belittling someone that looks like me. But some of you do... does talking about others make you feel better or in your mind places you up "higher" than others? If it does, your self-esteem is sadly, very low.

Do you realize how SILLY we look to some Black men and other races (men & women)?

Think about it.

Learn to just be happy for others and see how great things improve in your life. When you say or do something nice, leave it at that. Don’t ruin the moment by being hateful, vengeful or mean.

Sometimes I think to myself, we must not like what we see in the mirror, because when we see someone who looks like us, our aim is to hurt, harm and cut down.

And I’m definitely not hearing the excuse, “Black women are stereotyped but a lot of us do fall into that category by nature. We are fighters and survivors and sometimes we see battles were there are none.” Tell that to someone who wants to hear it…

Yes, many Black women have "fighter" attitudes but the art of it is to know when to whip it out if necessary. Just because you meet another Black woman with an attitude DOES NOT mean you have to reciprocate. (I usually don't... it's a waste of my time and unnecessary stress.)

But being a Black woman myself, I am torn when it comes to a CLEAR answer as to where this “CHIP” on the shoulder comes from. I can't help but shake my head and feel sorry for the majority that feeds into this stereotype. There are so many of us who are forward thinking, progressive Black women, then there are the ones who just don't have a clue as to how they contribute to the down fall of us as a gender, race & people. Perpetuating any type of negativity toward someone who is like you without cause is a form of self-hatred. PERIOD.

If you do not like what I've said, you're entitled to your opinion. I honestly feel that I have hit on a topic that many are afraid to address and discuss in a positive or helpful light... I'm not taking any of my words back and have meant exactly what I've said...

So what’s the reason(s)? Black women what do YOU think? Black men, and men and women of other races, what do YOU think?

I AM SO PROUD OF MY BEAUTIFUL, BROWN SKIN AND EMBRACING MY FEMININE ESSENCE... But WHY is there a DISCONNECT with some of my "SISTERS?" What are we teaching our children? Is this cycle going to continue into THEIR FUTURE?

~JUST JEMIA :o)

Dedicating this blog to the most supportive, encouraging, motivating, and loving beautiful, Black women in my life. I don't have to be perfect, because they celebrate my victories AT ALL TIMES and embrace me EVEN MORE when I’m down and need their shoulders… just as I do for them. That’s how it should be. To the BEST FRIENDS a woman could ask for, Tiffany Hawthorne, Vanessa Howard, Jasmine Jackson & Tami Sawyer. FOUR, WONDERFUL BLACK WOMEN, I LOVE DEARLY.