BLOG #18: "GOOD MEN: They DO Exist"

J. S. this one's for you ;)

Many women often complain that all the GOOD men are either in serious relationships or married. Women also tend to categorize men as a power hungry, self-absorbed, money obsessed, physically abusive and sexually driven species. In some cases, this is indeed true, but there are many men who live in contrast to these stereotypes. While much is made of the fact that women suffer all types of abuse from men, so many good men, with compassionate and loving hearts, have had their lives turned upside down because of the actions of their wife, girlfriend or significant other. Unfortunately, their stories often go untold. Until now:

A self-proclaimed "Good Man" stated this:

"There ARE good guys out there... Trouble is, women just let us slip right under the radar, because we're not "fun", meaning: loud, obnoxious, arrogant, well-known around town, cocky, or cause a bunch of unnecessary drama.

Some good men, may be a little quieter, shyer, maybe sometimes a little awkward. But I'll tell you one thing we have that the cocky jerk doesn't have... A heart. Good guys that are in relationships for the right reasons, let ourselves be vulnerable like anyone in love should. It's too bad that many women are so used to being with "Mr. Tough Guy" (or some guy that can't even respect himself, let alone his girl) that they don't see the value in our "Good Guy" characteristics.

Instead, it's a lot of good guys getting labeled as "lame" or "weird" because of our good nature and putting ourselves out there. Any REAL man will show his emotions, especially to the one he loves. It's not about being "Mr. Macho" or looking for someone to "fix" because they have a million issues. It's about finding someone that is ALREADY good enough for you and that you can be vulnerable around each other and trust each other and be emotional together. To me that would be the greatest relationship.

The sad thing is, a lot of people don't know what it means to LOVE. All the world seems to know anymore is LUST. It's in our music, our entertainment, LUST is sadly, glorified in our society and it has an effect on most. LOVE is something different.

Do good guys exist? Most certainly... You just need to open your heart to new and different things/people/etc. It's a shame a lot of GREAT MEN, with GOOD AND CARING HEARTS have to wait around a while for love. Women wanting a good man, are most definitely missing out because they tolerate so much from men who could care less about them. But I guess there's a time and a place for everything."

With that being said, so many women have it in their head that they only like "ONE KIND" of man. What if that kind of man, just isn't good for you? Ladies, more than likely, the man that you LEAST suspect, is the perfect man for you. You just never know. Stop chasing men that have a KNOWN reputation for being a "womanizer" and has screwed half of the city. Stop going after men that you know for a FACT is not compatible with you and will NOT treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. Stop running up behind men that you know ONLY wants you for one thing... SEX. Stop pursuing that married man that cheats on his wife constantly... Do you really think he won't do it to you to?!! *shaking my head*

And when did it become a bad thing for a man to want to spend most of his free time with his significant other? But is accepted more by his peers when he chooses to leave her at home, lonely, so he can get drunk with a bunch of guys? Ladies trust me, a GOOD MAN, will NEVER leave you alone all of the time, so that he can get "plastered," hang-out or go clubbin' with his buddies. A good man knows how to balance both worlds between his love-life and his friends, and won't let anyone stop him or patronize him for wanting to spend time with you and/or take care of your needs.

One thing I've always told my friends, if you want a GOOD MAN, you've got to be a GOOD WOMAN. So ask yourself that, do you TRULY possess the caring, nurturing, giving, selfless, team player characteristics that most GOOD WOMEN have? So before you can get a good man, you have to check yourself first. Think about it, most women who are selfish, materialistic, are known for being promiscuous and/or all about SELF first, are rarely seen in stable, LOVING relationships. So, sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself. Are YOU a good woman?

If so, value yourself more, open your eyes a little wider to new and different things, and a man you NEVER looked at in "that way" just may be the GOOD MAN you've been praying about. Stop cutting off your options and limiting yourself to what you THOUGHT was your kind of man. If you're dating a guy that thinks it's cowardly or feminine for a man to express his true feelings to his significant other, HE'S NOT THE ONE. A man that is able to be open with you and tell you how he really feels is the sure signs of a possible GOOD MAN. Give him a chance!

See ladies, good men are out there, and they are looking for loving, nurturing and committed relationships just as women are. However, as is the case for many women, they must battle the "ghosts" and insecurities that exist from previous relationships, and this makes it difficult for them to obtain, and maintain, a healthy and stable relationship. All that the good men out there want is to love and be loved, and in some cases they are more than willing to provide love, financial support and guidance to children that are not biologically theirs. In this day and age, where character and values are at the low end of the spectrum for many men, that speaks volumes!

There is no question that some men are heartless bastards, but there are also men who believe in having good, long-term, monogamous relationships and fight to maintain them. These men should be acknowledged, appreciated and respected. Contrary to popular belief, all men are NOT the same.

Ladies, if you've got yourself a good man, be happy and proud that he found you! And those that desire a good man, he's out there, don't give up. Be mindful of that nice guy or gentleman that you turned your nose up to... Pray, God knows the desires of your heart! And be sure you're open to new changes and new kinds of people.

GOOD MEN DO EXIST.

~JUST JEMIA :o)

Special acknowledgement to my other half (ACS), that has proven to be a GREAT MAN and loves me the way I deserve to be. And I also want to show love to the GOOD MEN out there, waiting patiently for the opportunity to be that good man and provider that you know you are. She's out there. You've just got to make her OPEN HER EYES a little wider! Good luck!

BLOG #17: "Loving Someone Else's Child"

I've had many inquiries from friends and readers on what it's like to LOVE someone else's child. Many people have been introduced to my relationship via Facebook, Twitter or they have met Adrian and I in person. People are consumed with the fact that I am so truly in love with my soulmate and that it's very clear we have a very loving, strong and connected relationship.

When we have his 2 year old, son, Aiden with us, we get "puzzled" looks like, "who is that???" "I don't remember Jemia having a baby?" Then people quickly discover that I am dating a man that has a child. *smile* It's not the most unheard of thing in the world! BUT... it takes a strong, mentally and spiritually grounded person to successfully love their partner and THEIR CHILD.

Adjusting to spending time with the child takes time, building a good rapport with the child takes patience, but overall, NEVER FORGET, you're dealing with an INNOCENT child. This child, regardless of age, should NEVER be shunned, disregarded, mistreated or made to feel unloved. By treating the child with respect and love, things will work out and the child will see you as someone he can trust and love back.

In my case, I was fortunate enough, that Aiden is very young and will have recollections of me always being apart of his life. But, if you're dating someone and their child is older, 4 or older, do not give up on building a good relationship with them, it's not impossible! Do not think that showering them with gifts will win them over, that might backfire. Just display a constant respect for them and let them know that you think their relationship with your partner (their mother or father) is very important to you as well. Never give up, genuine goodness towards them will be rewarded with love.

Also, whatever the relationship may be, between the child's parents, be very mindful about what you discuss in front of the child. If your significant other and their child's other parent, do not get along very well, STAND CLEAR of speaking negatively about the child's other parent. And remind your partner to not do the same in front of the child.

At the end of the day, you have to remind yourself, regardless of who the parents are, NO CHILD asked to be here. And due to that fact, we as adults must work hard to protect our children's innocence and hearts from the wrath and bitterness that adults face. What happens between grown people should stay between them, and a child should NEVER be dragged through adult drama.

Respecting boundaries... This is an important key in loving someone with a child. This child has a MOTHER and a FATHER. Never put yourself in a place where you're being viewed as trying to TAKE someone's position as a parent. Regardless of the connection, good or bad, between your partner and their child's other parent, respect that other parent for WHO THEY ARE to that child. In our case with Aiden, I never try to come across as his mother (he calls me "Mia") and I do not display disrespect towards his mother. Despite any good or bad standings between his father and mother, or myself. I respect her as just that... HIS MOTHER.

But, never forget that you are an adult as well and if you are going to be in this child's life, and he is going to be in yours, he MUST view you as an authority figure and respect you. You only GET respect by GIVING it. While Aiden may have a MOTHER & FATHER, there is ALWAYS room for him to have multiple, positive influences in his life! Whether it's his grandparents, daycare teachers, aunts, uncles, and even "daddy's girlfriend" (hopefully future step mom) *smile* ---

If you're selfish, self-absorbed, impatient, have a low tolerance for kids, gives up easily, is not understanding... Being with someone who already has children, IS NOT FOR YOU! You have to have it in your heart to trust, love and understand that everyone has a GOOD place in a relationship like this. Things don't work out over night, but when they do, the relationship you build with the child is so rewarding!

I make it my personal effort, that each time Aiden is with us, to love him and care for him as if he were my own. And only positive things can come from that. I take the time to pray for Aiden's life, his dad and I, and even his mother on a regular basis. When all is said and done, it's Aiden who is put first. He's the lucky one! He has good parents and his "Mia" to help guide him in the right direction throughout his life.

I never thought I could love someone else's child this much, but I do! It's not always easy, children never are! But when I see him smiling, laughing and happy it makes it all worth while especially when I get a hug, a kiss and he says "Wuv you Mia!" I look forward to the day, that our family grows (Aiden is going to be a great big brother) and the wonderful memories to come!

So I'll say to you, since each scenario is different, taking on the task of loving someone else's child, takes a strong backbone, patience, prayer, love and trust in your partner. Also when in doubt, READ. Educate yourself on how to handle this situation. I read a few books that helped me, maybe they'll help you:

"Stepmotherhood: How to Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked," by Cherie Burns,

"7 Steps to Bonding with Your Stepchild" by Susan J. Ziegahn

"Smart Stepmom, The: Practical Steps to Help You" by Ron L. Deal

I do realize that I am not married (YET), nor am I Aiden's Step-Mom (YET)... But they aren't exactly publishing books for being a good "Daddy's Girlfriend"... LOL! *smile*

"Loving your own child is easy. But loving someone else’s child is the truest form of compassion there is..."

~JUST JEMIA :o)

Dedicating this blog to one of the sweetest little faces I've ever laid eyes on!

I love you Aiden!

BLOG #16: What's With The "Chip" On The Black Woman's Shoulder?

So, I've been brainstorming on this blog for a while now. Started it back in July, and some things moved me to go ahead and complete it. It may be a sensitive subject to some, but I'm going to give MY honest opinions on the issue.

Thank you to one of my readers, S. Cox, for the idea. She sent me a message requesting that I write on this particular subject. In the message she said, "Why do women hate one another so much and try to bring each other down? I honestly do not have a clear answer for her, but here are some of the things that I found out in the process of preparing for this blog.

I'm going to correlate the question presented to me along with some other thoughts and focus on why BLACK WOMEN (yes, I'm focusing JUST ON BLACK WOMEN) today, seem to have this "CHIP" on their shoulder.

Now, let me go ahead and get this out of the way. I AM NOT SPEAKING FOR OR TALKING ABOUT EVERY BLACK WOMAN. Just a large majority... ;) If this doesn't pertain to you, so be it, if it does, please think about your actions.

Through my experiences in life, I have always heard various observations of the Black woman. We're "strong, tough, have major attitudes... etc." But why is that? I've heard stories that go all the way back to slavery times, mentions of the Black woman having to be the mother and the father in many situations, and the list goes on and on... BUT WHAT IS IT REALLY?

The "chip" I'm speaking on is the way black women tend to be angry or upset on a regular basis. It disturbs me to think that many races and even some black men think that we have the tendencies to be "ANGRY" all of the time.

For example, from my personal experiences, it drives me insane, when I'm just being polite and speak to another Black woman in passing and she either, looks at me like I'm crazy, rolls her eyes or doesn't acknowledge me at all. My boyfriend has spoke of times when he has opened the door to a restaurant or a store for a Black woman, only to be looked at with a guarded grimace as if though he must want something from her.

Have we as Black women, become so callus that we have forgotten how to give and receive polite mannerisms?

I know that all ethnicities of women are not always close with one another, but amongst other races i get a sense of unity, support and/or togetherness. Almost like a sisterly bond... So Black women, why are you we so quick to defame one another, hurt one another, wish and hope on the WORST for each other, show signs of jealousy or hate when another Black woman is blessed with something wonderful (i.e., a relationship, a good marriage, a good education, a good career, etc.)... WHY IS THAT? CAN YOU GIVE ME A VALID ANSWER?

As I was researching and reading about this topic... I begin going to GOOGLE and typing in, "Why are (race) women so..." The results amazed me. Google works like this, when you begin typing in a word or phrase, it begins to "auto search" for you and find similar topics that other people have searched for. The information that comes up first is what has been "SEARCHED" the most... This is based off of hundreds of thousands, possibly MILLIONS of people that have searched various topics via Google. The search engine results are not FACTS, but what others have "googled" and I found it VERY interesting.

When I typed in "Why are ASIAN women so..." I got, "thin, attractive, ugly, rude, beautiful, small & pretty..." When I typed in "Why are INDIAN women so..." I got, "beautiful, ugly, thin, pretty, rude..." When I typed in "Why are LATIN women so..." I got, "beautiful..." When I typed in "Why are MEXICAN women so..." I got, "beautiful, crazy, ugly, jealous..." When I typed in "Why are WHITE women so... I got, " beautiful, stupid, racist, hot, easy, ugly, attractive, skinny..." And FINALLY when I typed in "Why are BLACK women so..." I got, angry, loud, rude, overweight, mean, hated, annoying, beautiful, difficult, obnoxious..." (bitter and crazy came up on this list as well a month ago) WOW... a far cry and difference compared to the other races... People are googling and searching and this is what comes up... these results come up because REAL PEOPLE are looking and searching these "phrases"...

I was floored when I saw how negative and horrible the results were for Black women. It kind of made me sad. It made me think... IS THIS WHAT THE WORLD THINKS ABOUT BLACK WOMEN???

Are we that disconnected from UNITY that we rather slander, defame and keep up MESS with each other, rather than help one another out? It's sad.

Like I said earlier, this is from MY observations and MY experiences and not intended to categorize ALL... but not much has change in my 28 years of life. Since elementary school, all the way through college and into my adult years... my African-American female friends/associates were the one's that were quickest to stab me in the back, talk about me, express hate or jealousy, and kick me when I was down. WHY???????

BLACK WOMEN... WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

There always expressions of HATE when someone else is doing better than you, has something you desire. And even the accomplished women, won't take the time to help another Black woman out. We're all for self and there's a unspoken satisfaction to see another down and out or at an all time low.

In my life, when I was doing wrong or things weren't going so well... I had friends for days. When I was partying, drinking, smoking, cursing people out, had a brush with the law, and doing things that all of my "peers" were doing, everyone had my back. But as soon as (just to name a few), I got new cars, got accepted into a good school, got my degree, was in a place where I could travel the world, pledged into my sorority, my family's name was a positive name in the city, or my biggest test yet, falling in love with a wonderful man... those very people SCATTERED LIKE ROACHES accept for my TRUE FRIENDS...

I can recall some of my best friends, getting married to an influential and successful partner, having wonderful & prosperous careers, getting promotions at their job, buying their first homes, getting their master's degree, preparing to have a baby, finding TRUE LOVE. Some of our mutual friends would call me and speak negatively about "what they have ain't ALL THAT," "She thinks she's better than everyone else," "She doesn't deserve that kind of luck"...etc. Is that really necessary???

As a Black woman with hopes, dreams and aspirations, I was PROUD of my friends. Even when they've accomplished things that I'm still dreaming of and hoping for... They are deserving of what God has blessed them with and I pray that God sees fit to bless me with the same IN HIS TIME.

I have had Black women that know ABSOLUTELY nothing about me, pompously, attempt to wreak havoc on my reputation, speak untruths about my life, disrespect me, and attempt to hurt me... BUT FOR WHAT?! To prove what point to WHO?

It's like, "let's see how MISERABLE I can make this person, so she can be brought DOWN TO MY LEVEL?" Why do we seek out to bring harm to one another, and entertain others with ridiculous "SOAP OPERAS?" I truly do not understand such tomfoolery.

Why are we so quick to question someone's good favor and happiness? For example, if I say "I'M IN LOVE," I'm JUST THAT. And if I feel like proclaiming it to the world, SO BE IT. All of my friends of other races have congratulated, shown love, and expressed excitement for this happy time in my life. But leave it up to SOME of the Black women around me or in ears distance... "She sounds like she's trying to convince herself, always talking about how 'in love' she is..." The doubt, the hate, the obvious jealousy, LADIES, is it REALLY that deep? Why does my personal happiness and the fact that I'm not afraid to express it bother you?

If they really knew me like my family and real friends do, they would know that Jemia deserves EVERY ounce of the good man she has in her life. I waited very patiently (6 years to be exact) and stayed in prayer about a good man filling my life with happiness. And if I damn well please to shout it from the roof tops about how happy I am and how wonderful it is to find real love, I'm going to do it. And if you care to be small minded, irritated, or annoyed when you hear it or read it, remove yourself from my life and/or access to my world (via social networks). You're wasting way too much energy worrying about what others have, instead of tending to your own. I NEVER said my life was perfect, I have many things that need to be worked on in my life, but naturally, I harp on and dote on the main things that bring my life joy! I'm seizing the moment... What are you doing? Prayer works... HATE blocks blessings...

Now, don’t get me wrong. Just like the average teenager or young adult, I have entertained gossip and mess over the years. But some of you all take it to a completely different level. When did bashing and talking badly about one another become something that was considered fun? Some of the things you say about one another is pre-meditated, malicious and down right hateful. Do you really think this is going to benefit the quality of your life in the long run?

If we as Black women, learned to put the same efforts & energy into our own personal lives and bettering ourselves, with the amount of energy used to cut down other women, gossip, keep up mess and completely disrespect someone, our world would be a much better place.

Bickering and fighting over men is the ultimate “no no” and doubting someone else’s happiness, just because you don’t believe them, only makes you look bitter and weak.

Speaking of men, the nice guys seem to be the ones trying the hardest, stressing the most and still catching hell. The “dogs” don't really care since they're in relationships for only one thing.

At some point someone needs to stop making excuses and deal with the issue. Are there any wiser older Black women out there instructing younger women how to behave when they encounter a decent man? Have we fallen so far that it's hard to recognize a good person when we encounter them?

STOP THE MADNESS.

Get the chip off of your shoulder… If someone is kind to you, is polite to you, greets you with a friendly smile, reaches out to you or shows you respect, take it for what it is. Maybe if the black woman’s guard was not up so high, she wouldn’t think that everyone is against her or that someone was trying to take what she has.

For example, I was in Sally’s Beauty Supply the other day. I was looking at some products when another black woman walked up. I gave her a friendly smile and said “hi,” she frowned at me and did not speak back. I’m thinking to myself, “What’s her problem?”… Then to add insult to injury, she proceeds to stand DIRECTLY in front of me, blocked my view and begins looking at the items I was looking at before she walked up. No “excuse me” or anything! I was dumbfounded. But when I said “excuse me ma’am, I was looking at those items…” Then she wants to get an attitude with me like I was the one that was rude. IS SHE SERIOUS?!

Scenarios like this happen more than necessary… And I know it’s NOT just happening to me.

Ladies, RELAX, life is TOO SHORT to be so spiteful and careless.

While I do know that other races and men have various issues that they need to handle, I chose to focus on the BLACK WOMAN and base this blog off of my own personal experiences and others experiences as well.

When did it become, cute, OK and acceptable to be so rude and hateful to each other? Black women, we will make it much further in life if we learn to BUILD EACH OTHER UP, as oppose to tearing each other down. Learn to support and love. Gain an understanding of each other. But I feel like it's going to take a miracle before that happens.

STOP HOLDING GRUDGES, LEARN TO FORGIVE. We're only hurting ourselves in the long run by spending wasted energy, or trying to be nosy, and see what the next Black woman is doing, just so you can find something NEGATIVE to say about HER life. Do you see how backwards that sounds???

Help another Black woman out, in some way, even if it's small and see how good it feels. Speak kindly to a stranger on the street, open the door for someone instead of letting it close behind you in their face, call an old friend and tell her that you miss her and that you've been praying that her life is well. SMILE MORE, we are the most frowned up and mean looking group of people. Learn to relax and enjoy the GOOD things in life instead of focusing so much on the BAD. This list could go ON & ON...

But, I could never get personal satisfaction off of completely humiliating or belittling someone that looks like me. But some of you do... does talking about others make you feel better or in your mind places you up "higher" than others? If it does, your self-esteem is sadly, very low.

Do you realize how SILLY we look to some Black men and other races (men & women)?

Think about it.

Learn to just be happy for others and see how great things improve in your life. When you say or do something nice, leave it at that. Don’t ruin the moment by being hateful, vengeful or mean.

Sometimes I think to myself, we must not like what we see in the mirror, because when we see someone who looks like us, our aim is to hurt, harm and cut down.

And I’m definitely not hearing the excuse, “Black women are stereotyped but a lot of us do fall into that category by nature. We are fighters and survivors and sometimes we see battles were there are none.” Tell that to someone who wants to hear it…

Yes, many Black women have "fighter" attitudes but the art of it is to know when to whip it out if necessary. Just because you meet another Black woman with an attitude DOES NOT mean you have to reciprocate. (I usually don't... it's a waste of my time and unnecessary stress.)

But being a Black woman myself, I am torn when it comes to a CLEAR answer as to where this “CHIP” on the shoulder comes from. I can't help but shake my head and feel sorry for the majority that feeds into this stereotype. There are so many of us who are forward thinking, progressive Black women, then there are the ones who just don't have a clue as to how they contribute to the down fall of us as a gender, race & people. Perpetuating any type of negativity toward someone who is like you without cause is a form of self-hatred. PERIOD.

If you do not like what I've said, you're entitled to your opinion. I honestly feel that I have hit on a topic that many are afraid to address and discuss in a positive or helpful light... I'm not taking any of my words back and have meant exactly what I've said...

So what’s the reason(s)? Black women what do YOU think? Black men, and men and women of other races, what do YOU think?

I AM SO PROUD OF MY BEAUTIFUL, BROWN SKIN AND EMBRACING MY FEMININE ESSENCE... But WHY is there a DISCONNECT with some of my "SISTERS?" What are we teaching our children? Is this cycle going to continue into THEIR FUTURE?

~JUST JEMIA :o)

Dedicating this blog to the most supportive, encouraging, motivating, and loving beautiful, Black women in my life. I don't have to be perfect, because they celebrate my victories AT ALL TIMES and embrace me EVEN MORE when I’m down and need their shoulders… just as I do for them. That’s how it should be. To the BEST FRIENDS a woman could ask for, Tiffany Hawthorne, Vanessa Howard, Jasmine Jackson & Tami Sawyer. FOUR, WONDERFUL BLACK WOMEN, I LOVE DEARLY.

Blog #15: OMG! Please MOVE ON! They have, you should too!

OK... so this is kind of a "spin off" from BLOG #13: "Is It Time To LET GO...?"

This blog is for the people that have NOT just RECENTLY gotten out of a relationship/friendship, but for the people that are STILL DWELLING ON A PAST RELATIONSHIP or FRIENDSHIP that has BEEN OVER! For months, and in some cases YEARS! It is truly time to MOVE ON!

It might take a while to get over a situation but sooner or later , you have to move on with your life. Especially when the other party involved has made it very clear that they have moved on.

Why place yourself in a predicament where you seem delusional or a bit obsessed for STILL harping on a situation you should have moved on from a long time ago.

Continuing to dwell on what could have happened, should have happened or what would have happened had you done something different is only torturous to yourself in the end. Stop trying to discern if what you had was real, if the person lied to you or not, etc. THINGS HAPPENED EXACTLY THE WAY THEY WERE DESTINED TO. But it's up to you to finally accept that fact.

It's important to learn from the past but it's equally as important to not stay stuck in it.

After a break-up, you should realized that the relationship you had, has taught you that it wasn't a “failure.” The ended relationship should help you to define the type of partner you would really resonate with in the long run... What we've learned is that if a relationship didn't work out, it is not a bad thing or a failure, like our society likes to label it. It just may be that you have learned what it is that you were supposed to learn by being in a relationship with that other person and it's time to move on to other “lessons.”

What I'm saying is, is that the purpose of all relationships is to help us to grow. Even the relationships that are the most troubling to us can be gifts in learning more about ourselves. Those people who really get under our skin can be our best teachers. I suggest that you look at all of your relationships as growth experiences and move forward consciously by learning from them.

Stop making yourself look bitter and irrational by publicly defaming the person that you once shared a connection with. It makes you look silly and extremely immature. Being vengeful or vindictive will only make you look bad and backfire on you.

Learn to take 100% of the responsibility for the relationship that YOU CHOSE to be in.

When a relationship experiences challenges, very often we want to assign fault and blame. When you are in a healthy relationship with another person, both people are equally responsible for the relationship. If a relationship isn't working, the same thing applies. No matter who appears to be at fault when challenges come up, both people are responsible. If you take less than 100% responsibility for the relationship not working out, you are being a victim. You can only heal when you have let go of “fault” and “blame” and focus on letting go of the past and how you can do it differently in the future. This can be a very difficult process if you are hanging on to the need to be right, anger, judgments and unexpressed resentments -- especially if you feel your former partner hasn't or won't take any responsibility for the health of the past relationship.

But while you're busy dwelling on what happened, the other half of the past relationship has accepted you all's relationship for what it was and MOVED ON. While you're still crying, spiteful, angry and consumed with what went wrong, they're more than likely, out enjoying life and sharing new experiences with someone else.

Stop wasting you time thinking about someone who's no longer thinking of you anymore. You're only hurting yourself by lingering over something you cannot control in the end. And you'll never be able to have a new and successful relationship until you're able to LET GO of your past.

From my past break-ups, I have learned to give thanks for the lessons that I have learned, and I also had to learn how to change my attitude. As painful as it is to hear, the truth is that everything in your life (including your past relationships) is a result of the choices you have made up until now. If you don't like the circumstances in your life or relationships, decide to make other choices.

This could mean changing your attitude. It could mean opening up to bring new people into your life. It could mean deciding to be a better person in your next relationship.

If you are having challenges moving on from your previous relationship, I truly suggest you start by honoring that person as a teacher, that helped you to MOVE ON with your journey. Although my ex Michael (RIP) and I had a good relationship when we were together, I had to learn that things are they way they are with reason. We managed to be life long friends because I was able to understand and embrace the lessons I learned from him and ACCEPT it for what it was. THANK YOU MICHAEL, FOR ALL THAT YOU TAUGHT ME!!! When you find yourself feeling like the victim or blaming the other person, change those thoughts to being thankful for them helping you learn what you learned during the relationship. Sooner or later you will actually be able to give thanks for the lessons that that person taught you.

Just remember... While you're sitting at home, dwelling on the past, giving yourself a "pity party," thinking to yourself that life isn't fair and sitting at home, drinking alone... you're only wasting YOUR time. More than likely, the other party has moved on, accepted things for what they are, is living life to the fullest and toasting to the good things in life! *cheers!*

Shouldn't you be doing the same?

One of my favor sayings is, "it is what it is..."

OMG! PLEASE MOVE ON! ;)

~JUST JEMIA :o)

Shout out to my newest ANGEL in heaven, Michael T. Debose... You will definitely be missed! Our relationship taught me so much about life and the things that make me happy. I will always love you for that! I am thankful to GOD that we were able to get over our past issues and remain friends until your dying day. Without our relationship and the acceptance of MOVING ON, I would have never been able to be the woman that I am today for the man that I LOVE SO DEARLY! (Adrian) Thank you MICHAEL! R.I.P. December 26, 1979 - June 12, 2010

Blog #14: Is Being Materialistic HELPING you or HARMING you???

The definition of someone labeled as materialistic is, "a person who is marked more concerned with material things than with spiritual, intellectual or cultural values..."

First let me start off by saying, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with looking your best and wanting nice things...

But we all know someone that takes it to the next level. That friend that prides herself (or himself) on the shoes she wears, the purses she carries and the fact that she rarely ever wears things twice... They are CONSTANTLY shopping and buying stuff when their closet is already about to explode with things that she's already forgotten about. Sometimes this person prides herself on claiming that she "looks better than everyone else," some claim to be a "fashionista" or someone who lives and breathes fashion and some are just trying to keep up with someone else that has the same issues they do...

If any of the above describes you, you might be the exact kind of person I'm referring to... I personally know a few people like this and it makes me question their need to "OVER SHOP" or the fact that they're a "SHOPPING ADDICT."

I'm not talking about the person that occasionally shops, like 2-3 times a month or less... I'm talking about the person that's constantly shopping... everywhere they go, shopping, shopping, shopping and when they're at home, they head straight to the laptop for some online, retail therapy.

Even if you have the finances to do so and you're not running up a credit card bill like most out there... there is still something these people are compensating for at the end of the day.

As a society we use material possessions to value ourselves. Thus it breeds discontent and unhappiness because we are constantly wanting the newest fashions, etc. What causes you to want material possessions?

Dr. Tim Kasser, a psychology professor, has researched materialism and wrote a book called "The

High Price of Materialism." "Kasser argues that a materialistic orientation toward the world contributes to low self-esteem, depression, anti-social behavior, divorce, various forms of abuse and even a greater tendency to get "headaches, backaches, sore muscles, and sore throats." This very short book demonstrates the truth of the proverb, 'Money does not buy happiness.' Author, Tim Kasser cites numerous studies as he makes a compelling case that materialists are lonely, narcissistic, hampered in relationships, compulsive, insecure and disconsolate.

What do you think about Dr. Kasser's take on materialism?

Can being materialistic hurt your dating life? I randomly asked about 9 of my friends this question and many of them came to the same conclusion. YES. Materialism CAN hurt your dating life or a current relationship. The men said that they like a woman that's into keeping herself up, but some women over do it. Some women are so focused on the latest fashions, the newest shoes and keeping up with her girlfriends, that these items end up being more important than the relationship itself. Watch out ladies... some of you may not even realize it, but your shopping habit could be the reason you're single or your relationships don't last long. So many men see being materialistic, SCREAMS that you're high maintenance. And to most men, that's a turn off. They can visualize they're wallets emptying faster than the relationship can even grow... and they're GONE. They rather be with the girl that's attractive, but cares more about spending time to get to know each other, than shopping all day... Shopping addicts, I hope those new pair of shoes, and that "fly" new top, can hug and love you back because it seems like your closet is hotter and getting more action than your bedroom... Not a good look!

Some of the ladies I talked to about men who were materialistic seemed just as turned off. They said that it's nothing wrong with a man having and wanting nice things. But some men take it too far with bragging about their new tailored suit or where they purchase their "top of the line" clothing from. Men, be mindful about these things. If you like nice things and love to turn the ladies heads, "silence is GOLDEN!" Blow the ladies minds without telling them how much your new Rolex cost you. Price dropping is TACKY!

Are you a victim of "Keeping up with the Joneses'?" Are you the person that is constantly trying to see what your friends or your arch enemy is wearing so that you can find something better? Only thing I have to say about this is, if you're doing this, you need to stop and check your self-esteem. I have friends with million dollar homes and friends that are a step away from living in poverty... I love them for WHO they are and not WHAT they have... I would never subject myself to people that I felt like I had to keep up with materialistically. If someone is ridiculing you for not having the latest and greatest... they're not your friend. Real friends won't care about what you have or lack in your life. So your attempt to "keep up with the Joneses'..." only makes you look silly at the end of the day. And you can only kick YOURSELF in the butt when the credit card bill comes rolling in...

Are you raising your child/children to be materialistic? Many parents are bringing up their children in a very materialistic way. Money isn't everything. Similarly, there are some things money can't buy. Why are we adapting to a 'money-minded' mentality? Parents should learn to teach their children not to be materialistic and always expect the best of everything. Children of the 21st century are, unfortunately, sometimes succumbing to peer pressure and getting rid of their good values and habits, which leads parents to a whole lot of worry and confusion. Children, particularly teenagers, should learn to exercise caution and practicality in buying things, whether it be from a high-end boutique or a simple shoe outlet. If you commence raising your child with the views that only certain brand names are acceptable and that some brands are "cheap" or socially unacceptable, you can only be mad at yourself when you're breaking down and buying ridiculously expensive items to keep your child happy.

Materialism can be viewed in many different lights, but is it HELPING or HARMING your current lifestyle?

My significant other and I frequently discuss people's needs for material items. We find that it's OK to treat yourself and to have nice things, but when you're being EXTREMELY EXCESSIVE with your purchases, there's a disconnect there. We pride ourselves on looking good, but also realizing that valuing things that you can't buy with money, such as love, trust and communication is far more important. It's always good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's even better to make sure that you take care of, and don't lose the things that money CAN'T buy...

Just something to think about...

~JUST JEMIA :o)

“If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can't buy” ~unknown